X-Men Unlimited #3

X-Men Unlimited #3

Writing: Fabian Nicieza

Art: Mike McKone

This issue takes place between Uncanny #308 and X-Men #28

What Went Down:  Maverick breaks into a church to discover the grisly murder of a priest.  He is tracking Sabretooth, and discovers the mutant holding another dead priest.  Sabretooth is on a killing spree because his assistant Birdy, a telepath, died and is no longer around to give him the “glow” which calms him down.  The two fight, and Sabretooth manages to stab Maverick with his claws before fleeing.  Maverick decides he needs Wolverine’s help.  In Germany, we see an old man named Mr. Geinstach attempting to hire a mercenary named Bashur to kill Sabretooth because of his killing spree.  It turns out all the victims were members of a government operation, even the priest.  Bashur refuses the job since the potential for failure is so high, but recommends Maverick and Wolverine.  He also deduces that Sabretooth’s next target will be in Japan due to the conspiracy.

In Westchester, Gambit is freaking out as Rogue drives like a maniac on the road; Maverick is tracking them.  When the X-Men return to the mansion, Bishop greets them with his guns drawn.  He was worried because they entered without activating the perimeter override, but apparently it can just read biosignatures, so it doesn’t matter.  While all the X-Men argue, Maverick attacks them with anesthetic gas and tranquilizer darts.  After taking down the three X-Men, Beast and Professor X show up and calmly ask Maverick what he’s doing.  He’s here to recruit Wolverine, and decided it was somehow easier to attack the X-Men first.  Beast explains that Wolverine left the team after losing his adamantium, but offers the X-Men’s help.

Sabretooth meets with the merc Bashur, asking where he can find a telepath.  Bashur tells him that there is one on the Yahsida estate, and that Maverick is already on his way.  On the Blackbird, Bashur contacts Maverick and tells him what he told Sabretooth.  Maverick and the X-Men debate whether they should kill Sabretooth, and the team decides to split up.  Rogue, Gambit, and Bishop go to Germany to protect Geintach, while Beast and Maverick go to Japan.

In Germany the X-Men find everyone dead, and Sabretooth ambushes them.  Rogue accidentally absorbs Creed’s memories, and Bishop is forced to let Creed go for Rogue’s life.  In Japan, the remaining two protagonists meet with the Silver Samurai and agree to help him fight Sabretooth, despite having been adversaries as recently as X-Men #22. 

Sabretooth fights through the ninja guards and discovers that the telepath in question is an old man whose mind shut down after the bombing at Nagasaki.  The man wakes up long enough to link everyone’s minds.  Creed thinks back to his Team X days when he was assigned to kill a man and his family.  Creed had to chase the young boy, who only wanted to say goodbye to his pet rabbit. Sabretooth has been killing everyone connected to this operation.  When Beast wakes up, the old man has been killed by Sabretooth, with messages of help written in blood on the walls. 

Sabretooth decides to go to the X-Mansion.  Professor X calmly greets him and holds him off with his mental powers. The X-Men show up and Bishop shoots Creed in the head.  Using this opportunity, Xavier enters Creed’s mind to view a memory of a young Creed locked in a basement and forced to kill a rabbit to survive.  Having learned harshly that killing is the only way to survive, Xavier feels sympathy for Sabretooth and offers to help him.   He tells the X-Men that Sabretooth will be staying.  We end on Creed and Xavier standing in the Danger Room simulating the outdoors.  Xavier explains that he is a prisoner, and that Charles is man enough to stop him.

How It Was:  This is a slight improvement over last issue and does significantly impact the main titles for years to come.  Also it works a lot better because the focus of the story, Sabretooth, has a lot more to do and say this time, as opposed to dozens of people just talking about him.  Sabretooth actually feels dangerous here as he’s finally allowed to kill people, and while the bunny rabbit thing is corny, I like what it says about the character.  The idea that he was conditioned as a young child to think that killing is a means to survival, that attachment is a weakness, well that’s as good a take on what motivates Sabretooth as any.  It’s better than, “I just like killing people because I’m evil.”

The X-Men don’t come out too well this issue.  They get taken down once by Maverick and again by Sabretooth in a matter of a few panels.  What’s worse is how repetitive the action is.  Sabretooth holds a character by the neck and threatens to kill them no less than three times this issue.  Although I will admit that the repetition does pay off in the climax when Bishop once again has Sabretooth at gunpoint and just shoots him in the head.  Maverick doesn’t get a lot to do once he shows up to explain the plot to the X-Men, and the Silver Samurai is similarly wasted.  Sure we get to see him eventually in his armor carrying his cool glowing sword, but he doesn’t ever actually use it.  His only role is to be the caretaker of the plot device old man.

You know who does come out great in this issue?  Xavier.  Man he’s tough, not even blinking when confronted by Maverick or Sabretooth.  The surety of his position is fantastic as he makes his decisions without giving a crap about his students’ positions because he knows that morally he’s right.  Who are they to judge Sabretooth when he hasn’t had any of the benefits that the other X-Men have had?

Mike McKone’s art is disappointing.  When characters are standing around and talking, they look fantastic, but any time they fight on the same panel it looks awkward and stiff.  Thus the emotional stuff works a great deal better, and the action is dialed back quite a bit.  There’s one bizarre sequence where the X-Men are between Sabretooth and the telepath, so he dives through a door or window and ends up next to the telepath.  Also Gambit’s eyes should be red in the opening, but that’s not McKone’s fault.

Ultimately this is a much more satisfying villain-centric story.  It’s still padded out quite a bit (the killing debate could be a little shorter), but there’s enough here to make you think the writers have bright plans for the future of Sabretooth and the X-Men.  Xavier gets some awesome moments, and although Sabretooth’s flashbacks are a little sappy, they work as a way of taking him beyond the two dimensional maniac he’s always been, especially now that Wolverine isn’t around anymore.

For X-Fans

Team X 2000 #1

Team X 2000 #1

Writing: Sean Ruffner and A. Smithee

Art: Kevin Lau

 
What Went Down:  Deathbird opens describing a vivid dream to Bishop where she is fighting Shi’ar vermin, then biting the head off of a bird.  Bishop attempts to interpret the dream while the two play chess; Deathbird cannot get over some of the rules of the game.  It is implied that the two have had relations with each other, though Bishop insists it was a mistake.  Their ship comes across an uncharted jump-gate, and then they are attacked by an Ursaa ship (the guys from Uncanny #358).  Bishop decides to chance going in the gate.

Upon exiting the jump-gate, the ship comes out in orbit around Earth, but the planet is surrounded by Shi’ar warships for some reason.  On Earth, it is revealed that Alanna Nermani, the daughter of Lilandra, is the ruler of a war-torn future version of Earth. Archangel, Sauron, Dazzler, and Vulture are all servants of Alanna.  The queen is alerted to the discovery of Bishop’s ship.

Taken aboard one of the warships, Bishop and Deathbird encounter some Shi’ar soldiers.  Deathbird attacks them, but she is shot by a stun blast; Bishop decides not to intercede, allowing himself to be taken prisoner.  Shi’ar scientists confirm to Alanna that Deathbird is the genuine article, so Alanna orders her released.  Deathbird learns that the year is 2018, and the Shi’ar have conquered Earth.  Meanwhile Bishop is stuck in a prison cell with a depowered Cain Marko, normally the Juggernaut. Cain isn’t sure whether Bishop is real, but explains some of the history of the planet.

Bishop is escorted to a healing pool where Deathbird is already bathing.  Bishop doesn’t trust Alanna, but Deathbird insists it is all right.  Alanna goes to a truth-seer, who informs her that Deathbird will be the key to her triumph or defeat.

The next day Alanna takes Deathbird and Bishop on a tour of New York to discuss restoring Deathbird’s name and royal title to her.  The people of New York are being starved by the Shi’ar for not turning in the rebels.  A disguised Longshot confirms Bishop’s identity and calls Cable.  Alanna is confronted by some starving peasants and demonstrates that she has psychic powers, due to the fact that her father was Charles Xavier.

The rebels of this world, the Morlocks, attack so they can liberate Bishop.  The group consists of  Cable, Longshot, Falcon, and Vertigo-the present day Jubilee. Vertigo is almost killed by Sauron, but Falcon sacrifices himself to save her, while Longshot is captured due to Deathbird’s interference.

Back at the Morlock base, Bishop is introduced to their leader, an eyepatch wearing Wolverine.  Dr. Doom is also a member of the rebellion. Wolverine explains that the Avengers, X-Men, Lilandra, and Professor X were all killed by Alanna, who studied the history of her aunt Deathbird.  This allowed her to take over the planet.  Beast, Doom, and Hank Pym planned on seeding the past with time gates to bring help from the past, but their plan was foiled by soldiers before they could finish; Bishop’s gate was a freak accident.

The Morlocks use Vulture to infiltrate the Shi’ar celebration for Deathbird.  When offered her birthright, Deathbird refuses saying that the title means nothing to her.  While Bishop takes on Sauron, Deathbird and Alanna fight as well.  Bishop sets off the explosives after the control is damaged, and uses Sauron to survive as they both absorb the energy from the explosion.  Alanna’s telepathic powers allow her to anticipate Deathbird’s moves, but Deathbird is able to defeat Alanna using a pressure point that Bishop taught her off-panel.  Deathbird shows mercy on Alanna and kisses Bishop.

With Alanna defeated, the Morlocks send Bishop and Deathbird back to their own time.  Doom leaves the base, telling Cable that next time they may not be on the same side. 

How It Was:  This is actually a fun little diversion for X-fans.  Regular readers will know that I’m a sucker for alternate reality/future stories, and for such a brief one, this does deliver some neat alternate moments.  I especially like the all too short visit with crazy Cain Marko, and the little touches like Falcon’s importance in the resistance, or Wolverine and Sauron’s rivalry.  Some aspects never get the room to pay off: Dr. Doom is introduced as an unknown quantity, but never affects the resolution one way or the other.  Also Jubilee has been renamed Vertigo for no particular reason, and I can’t tell if the team of rebels is supposed to be called the Morlocks or Team X because the script uses both.

I am wholly unfamiliar with the writers of this story, but I’m happy that they continue the solid relationship established between Deathbird and Bishop.  The romantic tension mixed with utter contempt and unpredictable motivations makes for great reading.  What I really like is that while Uncanny #358 focused mostly on Bishop’s history and perspective, Team X is much more about Deathbird.  From her cryptic dreams to confronting her relationship with her identity and family, it’s nice to see the character struggle with these conflicting aspects.  Although the reader can probably assume that Deathbird will side with Bishop, it’s still interesting to see how it all plays out.

The plot mechanics are a little frustrating.  The Morlocks’ plan to use time traveling gates to bring heroes from the past makes no sense; why not use them to travel back and change the future?  Plus I really don’t understand why they needed other heroes to implement their straightforward plan at the end.  It feels like the plot itself could’ve been resolved without Bishop or Deathbird; somebody else would’ve just had to kill Alanna.  Still, the fighting is solid and there are some hastily constructed, but solid character interaction.

The art style is manga, but for some reason it doesn’t bother as much as the style normally does.  Sure it does slip into ridiculousness with the scantily clad Shi’ar servants, and Jubilee’s redesign is super-cyberpunk anime influenced, but the action is clear, the expressions are never distorted or exaggerated, and just about all the characters are on model.  To tell you the truth, I like Lau’s work slightly more than I like Joe Madureira’s.

This is a little story that continues to build on the relationship between Bishop and Deathbird.  I like where it takes the characters, and I like the time travel gimmick because it doesn’t overstay its welcome.  Bishop traveling through time works a lot better with the character’s roots than Bishop in space.  This is definitely a peek if you can find it for cheap.

B+

Uncanny X-Men #358

Uncanny X-Men #358
Writing: Steven Seagle

Art: Chris Bachalo

What Went Down:  Bishop opens and narrates this one-off story as he and Deathbird have crash-landed on an alien planet.  Bishop internally recaps the circumstances that have led him to this point, and then rescues Deathbird from the wreckage.  They are beset by a group of alien scavengers who shoot Bishop with a harpoon, so he can’t absorb it.  They fight off the scavengers, and an alien named Karel, who speaks perfect English, offers to give them transportations.

Karel explains that the scavengers are called the Ursaa.  He also tells them that he is a freedom fighter whose world was invaded by the Chnitt, the same aliens who shot down Bishop’s ship.  The group discovers that Karel’s camp was attacked by Chnitt while he was rescuing Bishop and Deathbird, so he takes them to his friend Tu.  Karel tells Bishop that he has come to this planet to retrieve a weapon that will raze the Chnitt from his home.  The planet they are on is a trader’s planet, so Karel plans to use a warp gate to return home.  Bishop thinks he might have a chance to get back to Earth.  Deathbird internally chides him, saying that she loves him and will force him back to the Shi’ar.

Back in Alaska, the original X-Men are helping Scott and Jean pack their belongings; they are leaving Alaska because people around them know they’re mutants.  Scott tells Jean that the buyers for their house have backed out, so they don’t know what they’re going to do.  Some kids throw a brick through the window and scare everyone.  Scott tells them to let it go.  Suddenly Jean senses the psychic event from the Psi-War story (in X-Men #77-78), and is knocked into a catatonic state. 

Back on the trader planet, Deathbird is attacked by a Chnitt, which looks like a giant spider.  After killing it, Bishop realizes that Tu has sold them out, and probably died for his troubles. After acquiring a transport, the group is almost eaten by a giant monster.  Right before they reach the warp gate, the group discovers a giant ball that has been tracking them.  The ball is attacking the city, knowing that Karel has the secret weapon, nullifier charges, which eat metal.  Bishop decides he cannot allow the alien citizens to suffer on their account.  He takes one of the charges and tells Karel and Deathbird to go through the gate without him.  Bishop climbs a roof, throws a charge, and destroys the ship.

After destroying the giant ball, Bishop runs to the warp gate just in time to see it collapse for no reason.  Bishop laments his loneliness, until he discovers that Deathbird has remained on the planet to be with him. 

How It Was:  Bishop and Deathbird’s wacky space odyssey continues as they make their way to a completely generic sci-fi planet.  I don’t even think it has a name; it’s just called the trader planet.  It’s obvious that Marvel is testing the waters to see if Bishop might be able to sustain his own book—years later he would go on to receive it. 

While the designs for the Chnitt are really great, everything else is just so forgettable.  The reader knows right from the beginning that he’ll never see the bland Karel ever again, or his plot-convenient grenades.  Even the mothership at the climax of the story is just a giant ball that fires lasers. Some of the action set pieces do look pretty cool even if they don’t really drive the plot.

So why did I enjoy this issue so much more than I thought I would?  The answer lies in the Bishop/Deathbird dynamic.  It’s really not what super hero readers are used to.   Deathbird is so attracted to Bishop that she fails to pick up on how their worldviews are so different, and Bishop is so repulsed by the idea of being with a villain that he can’t see how attracted he is to her.  I like how Seagle forces Bishop to be the level-headed one of the group, while Deathbird is the wildly impulsive brawler.  Their interactions and the ways they play off each other are great.  It’s just great to see how even they can’t tell whether their feelings for one and other are genuine affection or familiar comfort. 

It’s also nice to see Seagle trying to address the problems writers have been having with Bishop since the Onslaught event.  With his purpose for existing nullified, nobody has known what to do with Bishop.  Seagle tries to play up how out of place he is, and how weird it must be to interact with people who are supposed to be dead.  It’s a bit of a stretch to say that Bishop hasn’t made friends with anyone from the team, but this might just be Bishop’s way of softening the blow of losing his teammates.  Playing up the fact that Bishop is always out of place is as good a way to go as any. 

The Scott and Jean scenes are rather abrupt; Scott’s injuries seem to have disappeared, and I can’t tell if the couple is supposed to be going back to the X-Men or leaving just to escape the townspeople.  I do appreciate that the Psi-War is tying into the greater Marvel Universe; it’s just a shame that there is only really one more issue where Jean deals with these events.  I don’t remember liking this as much when I first read it, but now I feel I can better appreciate just what Seagle was trying to do.

B

Uncanny X-Men #357

Uncanny X-Men #357
Writing: Steven Seagle

Art: Dan Norton

What Went Down:  On the streets of Ptarmigan Creek, Alaska, a swarm of crows has begun to attack people on the street.  Unaware of these events, the original five X-Men enjoy drinks at a local restaurant.  Jean has interrupted the conversation about Scott’s new direction because she finds it too serious for the get-together.  The team sees the pandemonium outside and jump into action. 

Outside they decide to help people while trying to remain incognito.  Each hero takes a turn saving civilians.  Sheriff Chris shows up and shoots a gun in the air, scaring off the birds.  Iceman presents his hypothesis that the crazy shaman is behind this, but nobody believes him. 

At the Agee Institute, Dr. Agee is examining Rogue’s DNA sample. He talks to his sister about how hideous Rogue is now, and how he’ll cure her as he did his sister.  It is revealed that his sister is a horrible looking monster in a glass tube.  At Scott and Jean’s cabin, the team discusses recent events while Jean gets into costume.  Staci’s sister Melissa barges in and sees the team as mutants.  She says she is okay with it because she has six toes on each foot, so she’s a mutant too. 

Up in space, Bishop (remember him) is still strapped to his bed while the ship he and Deathbird are on plummets towards a sun.  He convinces Deathbird to release him, feigning feelings for her, and the two are able to plot a new course towards a nearby planet. 

In Alaska the team gets into costume and splits up to get to the bottom of the rampaging crows.  Iceman goes after the crazy shaman, Beast and Archangel discover toxic waste in the birds’ habitat, and Cyclops and Jean rescue Chris and his deputy from a swarm of birds.  They are initially insulting to the mutants until their lives are saved by the X-Men. 

As the birds converge and the team reunites, the birds form a big person shape.  Jean discovers that one of the birds is a robot and destroys it at the same time that Cyclops blasts the person-shape and Iceman knocks out the shaman.  The bird-person dissipates, although nobody can say who was responsible.  Cyclops’ is weakened from the use of his power exacerbating his injuries, and Iceman discovers that the shaman’s “bag of enchantment” is full of bird see.  As the rest of the team walks away, Iceman sees the Indian guy’s spirit form into a bird and fly off (I think).  The bird announces the end of the issue.

How It Was:  So…this is an issue where the original X-Men fight a lot of birds.  Nuff said.  It really is that simple and there isn’t anything more to it.  Most disappointing of all is the way Jean derails Scott’s new idea for the X-Men; it’s hard to say if Seagle just never got around to it, or if he never had anything and was just teasing it to fill up space.  Either way it’s a bummer.

And then there’s the fighting with the birds.  This issue has some “so ridiculous they’re good” panels in it, such as Cyclops punching birds mid-air or Iceman beating birds with a sandwich board.  It’s the kind of thing that’s so absurd that it sort of works in an unintentionally humorous sort of way. 

Then we get to the ambiguous ending…I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a true mystery or just playing off of the fact that the plot is so ridiculous that it shouldn’t matter.  It doesn’t really bother me at the end of the day, but I do find the robot bird’s presence a little odd.  There are some story inconsistencies; Cyclops and Jean fret the whole issue over Scott using his power because of his injuries.  However, he also manages to carry a grown man over his shoulder with absolutely no effect whatsoever.  Cyclops and Jean work so hard to maintain a low-profile, but they leave the door unlocked for Melissa to barge right in and learn everything.

Even odder is the pick-up of Bishop’s thread after about four months of losing track of it.  This is a pretty sudden shift, made even more abrupt by the solo focus on Bishop next issue.  As for the events affecting Rogue—this issue more or less states that Agee is crazy, yet the events of #359 seem to brush this aside if I remember right. 

This isn’t something that would sell a new comics reader, but it is fun for longtime X-Men fans to reconnect with the history of the book.  It’s too bad the veteran members of the team could not have had a bigger threat to go up against.  The crows sort of overwhelm this half of the story though, replacing ambiguous suppositions with the fun character moments from last issue.

C

Uncanny X-Men #348

Uncanny X-Men #348

Writing: Scott Lobdell

Art: Joe Madureira 

What Went Down:  Joseph, Gambit, Rogue, and the bounty hunters Spat and Grovel start off preparing to battle Nanny and her army of robots and cyborg animals.  Joseph recognizes Nanny, leading to concerns from the X-Men that Magneto’s memories might be returning.  Instead of a battle, Nanny just turns on a power dampener and defeats all of them…after three pages of battle poses.  Trish Tilby observes the X-Men being captured and runs back to tell the Beast.

Elsewhere in space, Deathbird is talking to an injured Bishop.  She tells him that he has been severely wounded, the X-Men are all dead, and now they will rule the Shi’ar Empire together.  Back on Earth, we find out that the underground caves were below Antarctica, and Nanny has taken the heroes to one of Magneto’s old bases. Rogue isn’t feeling well, and she even takes on the personality of Sabretooth for a moment, yelling at Gambit for working with Essex.  When Rogue doesn’t remember any of this, Gambit tells her she didn’t say anything important.

In a separate room, Joseph is being served by Nanny, but he is still chained up.  The robot insists that he is Magneto, but will not free him.  However she does show him newsfeeds of the Operation Zero Tolerance invasion, as well as images of the other X-Men who were captured by the Sentinels.  When a picture of Moira MacTaggert appears, Joseph feels an unexplainable need for vengeance.

Next we get a page of Archangel and Psylocke returning to Warren’s apartment to find it trashed after events in X-Men #67, which I will get to later.  Psylocke disappears while Archangel looks at some bullet casings. 

In Antarctica, Beast takes a page to reflect on why he shouldn’t date because his lifestyle puts the ones he loves in danger.  He discovers restraints that Magneto trapped the X-Men in from way back in Uncanny #112-113, also Nanny’s first appearance.  It appears that people are sneaking up on Beast, but next issue this is completely forgotten, so just ignore it.

Gambit, Rogue, and the bounty hunters have been chained to stakes in a dungeon.  Gambit demands to know who and why Gambit is being hunted.  Spat responds that he knows why, and he wouldn’t believe who.  Gambit’s memories overtake Rogue; she is caught in a memory where Gambit saved a girl named Sarah, who later grew up to be Marrow.  Rogue forgets the memory as soon as it is over, and Gambit refuses to tell her what it was.  Instead he suggests that this might be their last night alive, and since their powers are negated, they can actually consummate their relationship.

How It Was:  Is it possible to have a story where too much is going on, but not a lot is actually happening?  That’s what this feels like.  There are lots of different scenes, but we don’t learn anything new from most of them.  Beast brooding about his relationship is nothing new, and the scene with Betsy and Warren doesn’t lead to anything until next issue.  There’s a pretty long scene with Nanny mentioning that Joseph might be Magneto (something we already know), and Joseph learning about Operation Zero Tolerance (something we already know).  Plus the sequence where Beast remembers the first Nanny story isn’t important to the plot at all.  Add the five-page non-fight at the beginning of the book, and the continued presence of Spat and Grovel (although Landscape has completely disappeared for no reason; he was so boring the story actually forgot about him), and this is a book that is doing a lot to make me dislike it.

What saves this book, and actually makes it a great deal better than last issue, is the Gambit/Rogue material.  Having Rogue’s memories of Gambit’s actions resurface and having her unable to remember them herself is a neat device, and Gambit’s reactions to them are well handled.  I also like that Gambit decides to ask Rogue to sleep with him, and even better, his motivations for doing this might be a little bit selfish.  Gambit’s guilt and his fear of being discovered are infinitely more compelling than anything else going on in this book at the moment.  Plus I like that it’s done with subtlety; the scene is more effective because we don’t get to see it.  Even with the Rogue/Gambit stuff, I can still only give this a mild recommendation.

C-

Uncanny X-Men #345

Uncanny X-Men #345
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Joe Madureira and Melvin Rubi

What Went Down: This issue is broken into two parts, conveniently dividing up where the artists shift. The first part begins with Sister Maria, the nun who discovered Joseph, running from her crashed car. Get this…she is being chased by a cyborg gorilla. No, really. The Sister hits the gorilla with a rock, but it continues to come after her, asking about the man she nursed to health. Just as the gorilla is about to get her, two giant slugs appear and eat through the bad guy’s chest. The mutant Maggott shows up and asks about her friend Joseph.

On Chandrila, Lilandra looks out over her ruined planet and feels sad. She wonders if this is some kind of karmic payback for her war with the Kree in the Avengers books. She thinks of Charles Xavier, and is thankful that his X-Men were able to save her Empire.

Later that night, the Shi’ar hold a banquet in honor of the dead. Joseph finds the party vulgar, but Rogue explains that different people have different ways of moving on. Rogue worries that Joseph might be turning back into Magneto, so she promises to tell him everything about the man he used to be. Elsewhere, Gambit is outside digging graves for the dead Shi’ar. The whole time he keeps apologizing for something he did when he was younger.

Back at the banquet, Beast asks Trish if she wants to get back together. Trish worries that their relationship will have the same problems it always does, but when she returns to her room, she realizes she is in love with him nonetheless.

The next day the X-Men and Trish board a Shi’ar vessel that will take them back to Earth. Lilandra demonstrates her gratitude to the X-Men by leaving one of their greatest enemies, Deathbird, in charge of the trip.

Part 2 starts with Bishop reading up on Shi’ar history. Deathbird surprises him in her evening robe, and he tries to ask her questions about her history. Deathbird is impressed that he could read the texts because they are in Shi’ar, but she dismisses the texts as a sordid manufactured history designed to make her an outcast. Bishop mentions that her true name was banned from the language when she throws the pad into the fire. Bishop tells her that she shouldn’t forget her past if she doesn’t want to repeat it.

Their argument is interrupted by a “swoosh” noise. Going to the cockpit, the X-Men discover that a giant warship is passing them at twice their speed on the way to Earth. As the X-Men’s ship tries to make it to the stargate, it is caught in the larger ship’s wake and begins to break up.

How It Was: Even though it wasn’t a major crossover, Lobdell does another—actually his last—quiet, contemplative character issue. It’s not his best, but it still manages some great material for Bishop and Deathbird, Lilandra, and Joseph and Rogue. Beast and Trish’s scene has me confused because I was under the impression that they were already back together, hence the dinner date on Christmas Eve in Uncanny #341. As for Gambit, remember all that hemming and hawing over Gambit working for Sinister back in X-Men #45…almost two years prior to this point. Yeah, well Lobdell is finally getting around to it, but it’s still six issues away.

Then there is the surreal opening where Sister Maria is being chased by and evil robo-monkey. This scene almost defies explanation, and I don’t think it serves any other purpose than introducing Maggott and setting up that he’s looking for Magneto. Maggott is not too interesting a character, at least not until Joe Kelly and Steven Seagle get their collective writing hands on him and turn him into a really amusing character to have around.

The end of the issue is quite jarring and the art isn’t very clear on what the heck is happening. It looks like the big ship makes it to the stargate first, then the X-Men talk about the gate being down, then their ship starts to break up on the last page. I’m not sure if they were attacked or if it has something to do with the gate, but the art is not helping here. Also, Beast looks a little like a donkey in the second part of the story… just saying. And it’s sort of disappointing that Joe Mad can only get half an issue done this month, although he does have a double sized issue #350 coming up.

This issue is nothing to write home about. It introduces a character that most people don’t remember, and it wraps up a space story that was pretty forgettable. Yes we have the Gambit revelation on the horizon, but other than that this book doesn’t have a lot going for it at this point.

C+

Uncanny X-Men #344

Uncanny X-Men #344
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Melvin Rubi

What Went Down: Gambit is narrating this time around, and we enter on a badly beaten and tortured Empress Lilandra being held captive by the Phalanx while her servants are being killed and assimilated. The X-Men watch in the shadows as they finalize their plan. Deathbird explains that the only reason Lilandra would surrender would be if the Phalanx had infiltrated the Shi’ar nurseries, where their offspring are held. Rogue, who has become de facto leader, sends Deathbird and Bishop to protect the nurseries. Deathbird thanks all of them.

On Earth, Senator Kelly and Henry Peter Gyrich meet in the Hulkbuster base that now houses Zero Tolerance. Kelly discusses his hesitancy to trust Bastion, even though Kelly himself has lobbied for years about the importance of safeguarding humans from mutants. Bastion apparently also has a number of people in the government sympathetic to his cause, and Kelly blames himself for blazing a trail that might end in genocide.

Bishop and Deathbird make it to the Shi’ar nest. Bishop comments on how admirable it is that Deathbird would seek to protect the innocent, and Deathbird explains that even though she thinks she should rule, she still cares about her people. Bishop explains his history to Deathbird. Then she falls over due to her previous injuries. Bishop worries that she has been attacked, but the injuries are hours old—even though last issue said it had been a week since they found her. Still, Deathbird insists on standing and fighting, even if she is going to bleed to death, impressing Bishop.

Back with the main group, Joseph is overwhelmed with grief for the slaughtered Shi’ar. Even though he can’t remember his past, he starts to have flashbacks of the Nazi concentration camps that he was a prisoner in. Gambit tries to talk to him and tells him to turn his emotions off for now, so Beast’s plan can work. While Joseph continues to watch the slaughter, Beast explains that he is rigging the Shi’ar computer to produce a frequency to separate the technological and organic aspects of the Phalanx.

Beast needs five more minutes to complete his machine, but Joseph can’t take it and attacks the Phalanx. The X-Men have no choice but to back him up while Beast finishes. Joseph saves Lilandra, and remembers that once he had vowed to never again let such atrocities occur. Meanwhile, Bishop and Deathbird fight off more aliens and comment on how impressive thy each are. As the Phalanx start to counter the X-Men’s powers, Beast throws the switch. Just when the X-Men are about to be overwhelmed, all of the Phalanx start to die. Trish Tilby cheers that they won against such impossible odds, but Gambit, worried about Joseph potentially turning evil again, claims that it doesn’t feel like a victory.

How It Was: After setting up impossible odds and a potentially epic intergalactic war to be fought, Lobdell has the Beast build a machine that just kills all the bad guys automatically. That is what I would call the definition of anti-climactic. At the very least you could have the X-Men penetrate a base to find some core or prime Phalanx that needs to be destroyed, but no, Beast just flips a switch and the X-Men win. Couldn’t the supposedly more advanced Shi’ar with their interstellar space travel and superior technology figure this out on their own?

Joseph’s reaction to the Phalanx atrocities makes up for the ending a little bit. Up until now, Joseph has been squarely on the side of the X-Men. He may’ve felt guilty about his past, but it was always clear that he was trying to be an X-Man. Here we see the old Magneto resurface, and it is a welcome sight. The tease that Joseph may yet become Magneto again is a good one, even though it is strange that Gambit is the only one who acknowledges it. However, it is annoying that Joseph has to attack the bad guys with five minutes to spare. It feels like an artificial conflict because nothing the X-Men do really matters, other than the Beast. There’s no tension at all because we all know how it’s going to end.

The Bishop/Deathbird sequences are a little more heavy-handed then they were last issue, but I still think it’s a good match, even if Lobdell has to retcon Deathbird’s past and motivations just a bit. The ending is just weird with Trish Tilby doing cheerleader poses and laughing at the victory while everyone else looks dour and somber about the thousands of dead Shi’ar; for a reporter, she is godawful at reading the climate of a room and reacting with appropriate social responses.

Joe Mad continues his sketchy grasp on deadlines as Melvin Rubi is brought in, as well as four different inkers. The art’s okay, except some of the expressions and poses aren’t really appropriate for the scenes, such as the aforementioned Trish Tilby cheer. Conversely, the two-page spread of the Imperial hall being attacked looks fantastic, as does the Shi’ar nursery.

This is a hugely underwhelming end to a story that didn’t even have a lot to do with the X-Men. The threat that was initially sold to the readers involved the fate of the universe, but it was all undone by a machine programmed by the Beast. Other than a very few moments for the X-Men, and the beginnings of the Bishop/Deathbird romance, this plot doesn’t even involve the X-Men all that much, and Trish Tilby has absolutely nothing to do. This definitely doesn’t stand up to X-Men space operas like the original Phoenix Saga, or any of the stories with the Starjammers. This just doesn’t have that many fun or interesting ideas, and the villains are just dull and one-dimensional. Definitely not what I’d call a classic.

D+

Uncanny X-Men #343

Uncanny X-Men #343
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Joe Madureira

What Went Down: Through narration boxes, the Beast explains that the X-Men have been in space for about a week, and Deathbird has been in a coma within one of the ship’s med-stations. Deathbird wakes up while Beast and Bishop are discussing her survival. Bishop accuses her of somehow being responsible for her ship’s massacre, which earns him a slap from the villain. Gambit and Joseph show up after their search for more survivors. Deathbird steals Bishop’s gun and shoots Joseph and Gambit… only they were actually members of the Phalanx disguised as the X-Men. Bishop helps finish them off, and Deathbird explains that humans have a specific smell that Shi’ar can detect.

Below in the ship, Gambit and Joseph have been taken captive by the new and improved black Phalanx, in case you couldn’t tell from the cover. Rogue attacks the group, but she is slowly overwhelmed. Just as she is about to be absorbed by the Phalanx, she proclaims her love for Gambit. Gambit is behind her, rescues her, and blows up the remaining Phalanx. While Rogue was being assimilated, she caught a glimpse of Chandilar, homeworld of the Shi’ar; she also learned the Phalanx’s plot, which includes taking over Earth.

Speaking of Earth, Bastion is continuing his preparations for Operation: Zero Tolerance. We see that he has recently captured Jubilee in Generation X #25 and plans on interrogating/torturing her.

Meanwhile, the X-Men plan to get on Chandilar by tricking the Phalanx into attacking their ship and blowing it up while they float to a mining planet in an escape pod among the debris. Deathbird is quite rude to Bishop, threatening his life as he secures her in the pod. After the Phalanx blow up the ship, Joseph navigates the pod through the metal that Beast welded to the alien vehicle. The mining planet turns out to be one of Deathbird’s old bases. Many of the X-Men voice their suspicions about Deathbird’s loyalties as they all get on a transporter to save Chandilar and the Shi’ar.

How It Was: This is a definite step back up storywise, although not quite to the heights of #341. The story does have some great moments; the revelation of the Phalanx as X-Men imposters works rather well, despite the fact that it is ruined on the cover. And I have to say that I genuinely like the Deathbird/Bishop relationship, even if it is only in its beginning stages here. It’s a nice idea to have Bishop find a kindred spirit in a hardened warrior with a harsher code of ethics than the X-Men are used to, just as he was when he started on the team. Rogue’s fight with the Phalanx is also particularly brutal; it’s impressive to see her tearing off limbs and fighting all out, even if her proclamation of love feels a little forced.

Where the issue fails is that in spite of their shiny black makeover, the Phalanx are still as dull as they were the last time they appeared in this title. And after the very first sequence, they abandon any of the shapeshifting subterfuge for the dull assimilation and compensation of powers. Having the villains able to negate mutant powers seems unnecessary since they already outnumber the heroes by quite a bit. It also never made sense how the aliens had the ability to stop powers, but not absorb them.

Joe Mad is drawing some very impressive spaceships, stellar bodies, and space debris. The art is really the highlight, despite the stupid costume designs. Even with the art, this is still just a slow middle chapter with not much for the characters to do. While very cool looking, the villains just aren’t compelling at all, and the threat just doesn’t seem big enough.

C

X-Men #59

X-Men #59
Writing: Scott Lobdell and Ralph Macchio
Art: Andy Kubert

What Went Down: Cyclops is in a near-empty theater watching Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Instead of drawing scenes from the movie, the art department has decided to Photoshop screen shots of the movie onto the screen. Jean shows up and surprises Scott, even though he knows that she’s a telepath. Although the theater is empty, someone tells them to be quiet. Jean asks him about Alex, but he just wants to watch the movie.

Back at the Institute, Bishop is getting beat up again by the second guest hero in two issues. Hercules has thrown Bishop through the wall and seems confused as to how his greeting could have hurt Bishop that much. Beast explains the Onslaught storyline to Hercules, and Bishop threatens to beat up Herc, but is held back by Beast. Hercules has stopped by looking for Quicksilver because he wants to team up with the remaining Avengers, since he has been condemned to Earth by his father Zeus.

Quicksilver is outside wondering how he’s going to face his daughter and tell her that her mother is dead. Wolverine gives him a pep talk about being strong for her like Crystal and Wanda would have wanted. Quicksilver runs into Joseph, who is busy building a machine to block Rogue’s powers. Quicksilver yells at him for not realizing all the lives he’s ruined, and then runs away.

Back in the theater, Scott tells Jean how he always liked movies as a way to escape from the reality of being a sickly orphan whose brother was adopted. The two kiss each other. At Creed’s campaign headquarters, Iceman reads a fax that says his father was arrested after Trish Tilby’s talk show and refused to give his name. Cannonball walks in on Creed talking on the phone; he claims he was discussing strategy with his parents. Sam knows who his parents are so he wonders what Creed meant. Outside, Bobby asks Carly if she thinks Creed is going to be elected. Carly responds, “What is, is,” which is the motto of the Askani in the future.

As Quicksilver and Hercules depart, Joseph flies up to the plane and apologizes to Quicksilver, who responds that maybe someday it will mean something. Hercules cautions the dangers of holding a grudge, but Pietro is distant. Cyclops and Jean exit the theater and he wonders if it’s silly that he wasted the day watching movies. He realizes that the fate of the X-Men is up to him, but he’s hopeful because Jean is by his side.

How It Was: Alright, Hercules stops by the mansion for no good reason other than to force a recap of the Onslaught storyline and write Quicksilver out of the book. Hercules comes off as a bit of a tool here, throwing Bishop through a wall and then acting surprised by it. Quicksilver gets some nice development, although it’s a couple of months too late in my opinion. Shouldn’t he have gone to visit his daughter many issues ago? Wolverine’s speech to Pietro feels a lot more like common sense than pearls of wisdom, but how else can Lobdell explain why Quicksilver is still around unless he goes the route of fear.

The Creed storyline is still around, and a whole lot of nothing is still happening there. The reveal that Carly Alverez might be an Askani from the future is interesting, but like so many things in this era, it is totally forgotten about later. Cyclops’ scenes are an unexpected choice. There’s nothing really special about his interactions with Jean, but it’s nice to see him acknowledging the weight of being in charge of the X-Men in the Professor’s absence.

At this point it’s been three months since Onslaught wrapped up, and it still feels like nothing significant has happened at all. Instead of following up on Archangel’s transformation or Havok’s terrorist activity, we’re left with the very boring Creed storyline, and Hercules’ unnecessary visit. This is just filler until somebody can come up with a proper direction for the books to take, and it’s a shame because there are so many possible directions. Very weak plotting, and Macchio’s script can’t compare to Lobdell’s normally insightful character interaction.

D

Uncanny X-Men #335

Uncanny X-Men #335
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Joe Madureira

Note: See X-Men Unlimited #12 next
What Went Down: Ozymandias opens the issue walking under a sculpture of the Fantastic Four mourning the loss of Franklin. He is staring at his risen lord Apocalypse. Apocalypse knows that Onslaught is a threat to him, and this fact is reinforced by the appearance of Uatu, the Watcher. Uatu and Apocalypse apparently already know each other, and Apocalypse explains that he is here to observe the end of the Age of Wonders.

In an Avengers Quinjet, the Avengers fly over the ruins of Xavier’s mansion. Nate Grey senses that the X-Men are alive, when suddenly the plane is forced down and ripped open. The X-Men and the Avengers have a minor conflict while Jean Grey ensures that the Avengers are really who they say they are; the X-Men are paranoid after the betrayal of Xavier. Nate mistakes Jean for Madelyne Pryor, a clone of Jean that Nate resurrected after he came to the main Marvel Universe.

Frustrated, Nate uses his mental powers to take all the X-Men’s memories and show the Avengers what Onslaught really is. Cyclops blasts Nate to free his teammates. Nate claims that he knew Xavier was evil from the moment he came to this world, and Wolverine tries to pounce on him. The X-Men inform the Avengers that Xavier has somehow been influenced by Magneto, creating Onslaught, which causes Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch to feel guilty about the actions of their father.

On Muir Island, Moira MacTaggert is briefing Excalibur about Onslaught. Many of the former X-Men want to go to America to help, but Moira insists that they need to stay and unseal the Xavier Protocols.

Below the mansion, Bishop replays Jean’s urgent message, confirming that Xavier is indeed the X-Men traitor. Gambit walks in and Bishop sort of apologizes for accusing him of being the traitor.

In another room, the Avengers and X-Men explain that Onslaught is pure psionic energy. Jean guesses that the transformation was spurned by the shutting down of Magneto’s mind in X-Men #25. Storm brings up that all information about Onslaught at this point has been supplied by Onslaught, which really means that all the “hints” up until now should be ignored because the writers didn’t organize this story very well. X-Force shows up, and they are assigned to protect Nate Grey, since Onslaught’s research showed he had an interest in the young mutant. Part of the heroes break off to warn the Fantastic Four while Cyclops and Jean go off to Muir Island for the Xavier Protocols. Another group is tasked with searching for Magneto, since he is supposed to have some part in the creation of Onslaught. Storm says she is worried about Cable, so she goes off to meet him in his title.

Wolverine says he has a hunch about Onslaught, so he tells the Vision that he’s going off to follow up on it. Vision comments on the contradictory nature of Wolverine as he drives away. Iceman fills Warren and Betsy in on recent events. Bobby calls Psylocke out on seeming cold and detached, which of course is attributed to the Crimson Dawn. They are sent to meet Scott and Jean on Muir Island. In the sewer, Dark Beast excitedly takes Onslaught to his lab. He starts to explain to Onslaught that he did not actually create the Morlocks, he just experimented on them, but Onslaught attacks him because he already knows all this information. He asks McCoy about soldiers for his army, while inside Onslaught, Charles Xavier is shown to be floating alone in oblivion.

How It Was: Whereas the Onslaught: X-Men one-shot set up the main ideas of the story, Uncanny #355 briefly reiterates those ideas and sets up the various missions that will hopefully further the plot. The major flaw is that none of these missions actually affect the plot other than the oh so brief appearance in Excalibur to get the Xavier Protocols to build the plot device that helps the heroes fight Onslaught. Finding Magneto doesn’t affect the story, finding Cable doesn’t affect it, you can probably already guess what’s going to happen in Fantastic Four without reading it, and Wolverine’s spirit journey to find Onslaught’s origins doesn’t really impact how they fight him at all. This means that the majority of issues in “Phase 1” end up being the equivalent of filler.

Once again, these aren’t really problems with the issue, only the narrative structure of the event. As far as the issue itself… it’s dense—there’s a lot of exposition on top of an unnecessary “heroes’ misunderstanding” to generate some action. Apocalypse shows up, making you believe that he’s going to play an important role, but all he does is appear in an issue of Cable before disappearing. As usual, the Watcher is dragged out to make sure that the average Marvel reader understands how “significant” this story is. Plus, this issue was many readers’ first impression of Nate Grey, which shows him as an over-hyped, whiny teen who just irritates all the heroes.

This issue burns away a lot of the momentum that Onslaught: X-Men gave it. While it’s nice to see that all of the individual heroes have a role to play at this point, the fact that none of these threads really influence the overall plot at all really hurts this book. This issue consists of a bunch of facts we already know and some in-story advertisements for a bunch of other books to come out later. Plus Storm’s dialogue pretty much admits at the start how poorly planned out this thing was to begin with, what with none of the build up to this story really mattering. While the Bishop and Gambit scene is handled well, especially Gambit acknowledging just how shady he really is, the rest of the X-Men are already getting forced to the side in a storyline where they should be central to the events, since this involves their mentor. It’s disappointing to see so much potential that later just gets squandered.

C-

Onslaught: X-Men

Onslaught: X-Men
Writing: Scott Lobdell and Mark Waid
Art: Adam Kubert and Pascual Ferry 

What Went Down: Our prologue begins with a shocking revelation; the video of Jean from Bishop’s timeline, the one that started the whole X-Traitor storyline, is in reference to Professor X turning into Onslaught. Here we get the whole version with the missing sections.

Cutting back to earlier, the story begins with Xavier sitting in his den and throwing a picture of himself and Magneto into a fire. He laments about the failure of his dream before summoning the X-Men to the study. Jean Grey is the only one who knows that Xavier is really Onslaught, but she hasn’t had an opportunity to tell anyone. Dark Beast is still worrying about his infiltration being discovered. Jean recaps all the X-Men’s encounters with Onslaught while Xavier announces that his dream was a mistake.

Jean continues to worry as Charles talks, and she discovers the Cyttorak Gem on his desk; unknown to her, the Juggernaut has been trapped in the gem by Onslaught. Jean continues to probe the Professor’s mind, but Xavier covers her head with a “psychic muzzle.” While the X-Men rush to Jean’s side, Xavier transforms into Onslaught.

Onslaught offers the X-Men an opportunity to join him. When Cyclops brings up the similarities in his tone to Magneto’s, the villain demonstrates his psychic powers on some of the X-Men. Cyclops blasts him, but Onslaught uses his powers to freeze the X-Men in place before disappearing. Gambit frees the X-Men by charging the floor with energy, and Jean fills the team in on what she has learned. Gambit brings up how Bishop has been looking for a traitor in the X-Men, surprising him. The team splits up with one unit going after Cerebro, even though it’s still supposed to be broken, while the other team goes to the ready room.

At the Baxter Building, Franklin—the son of Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman, is talking to his imaginary friend Charley—who is really Onslaught, while the Fantastic Four eat breakfast. Charley gets mad at Franklin and shatters a glass. The FF think Franklin is responsible, and Mr. Fantastic asks his son to go down to the lab with him.

In the Ready Room, the X-Men discover that Xavier has been researching Franklin Richards as well as Nate Grey. Onslaught mentally controls Cannonball and attacks the rest of the team. At the Avengers Mansion, Nate Grey is trying to convince the Avengers that Xavier has turned evil. They are skeptical, but they agree to check out his claims. Onslaught taunts Bishop for failing to discover that he was the traitor before going off to Cerebro.

In the Cerebro Room, Cyclops is busy disconnecting the computer when Iceman detects Onslaught by measuring the body temperatures in the room. Onslaught turns Cyclops’ powers on Jean, Iceman, and himself. Then he reveals that he has known about the Dark Beast’s presence the entire time and has been helping to hide him from the other telepaths. Dark Beast agrees to join Onslaught; the villain has to siphon some of McCoy’s thoughts to maintain his control of Xavier for some reason.

Later, Onslaught has neutralized Jean’s powers and is attempting to steal the secret to the template of the Phoenix Force from her mind. He takes a break to tell Dark Beast to dispose of the X-Men’s bodies, and Jean takes the opportunity to run away. She escapes to a communications room where she records the message from the prologue.

During the part at the end of the message, the part where it looked like Jean died, it turns out that the flash of light was just the other X-Men coming to the rescue. All the X-Men attack together, seemingly killing Onslaught. Of course, it turns out that the body they killed was really an illusion. Onslaught prepares an energy blast to kill all the X-Men, but Bishop manages to intercept and absorb it. Onslaught and Dark Beast teleport away, leaving the X-Men to ponder what they are going to do. At a secret location, Onslaught manages to activate an army of Sentinels.

How It Was: Another year, another X-crossover. As we all know from the success of Age of Apocalypse, every good crossover needs a double-sized one-shot with no ads to start it off. And not only is this a crossover across the X-books, we’re going full-on Marvel Universe wide inter-company crossover with this one. As the first issue of the story, this is probably the most that’s going to happen plot-wise until the Onslaught: Marvel Universe one-shot that ends it. I’ll get more into why this whole crossover is a bit of a mess, but let’s look at this issue a little closer.

Well Onslaught finally shows off how powerful he is, and it’s a wonder why he didn’t attack sooner to get it over with. Flashbacks to X-Men #50 and Uncanny #322 and #333 try to make this feel like a resolution to a grander, cohesive story, but really this just starts out of nowhere. The “hints” earlier don’t really point to a particular plan, and as you’ll see later, Onslaught’s agenda is never addressed beyond wanting to destroy the world…because he’s evil. The issue does succeed in giving us the broad, general ideas: Onslaught is Xavier, he’s really powerful, he’s interested in Nate Grey and Franklin Richards because…some reason, and he’s somehow connected to Magneto. That’s not bad for a first issue, except that this is pretty much what every other writer goes off of for his next two issues without really adding all that much to the plot until the end.

This is about what you’d expect from a hero like Professor X turned evil story. Waid and Lobdell take their time going through the beats: the X-Men can’t believe it, Onslaught shows signs that he’s not totally in control, the X-Men come to terms with the fact that they might have to kill him. Nothing is exactly subtle—from the villain’s reaction to Magneto’s name to the way Gambit brings up the X-traitor plot thread that has been rehashed over the last couple of months to the X-Men’s discovery that Onslaught could kill them but chooses not to. Of course later in the story, Xavier and Magneto turn out to play absolutely no part in the resolution of the story, so you could call this a misdirect, but it feels more like improper story planning. With so many at Marvel wanting to recapture the Age of Apocalypse, but on a larger scale, this issue tries to create some structure that really hasn’t been built up to as well as it was in the previous event.

Because Onslaught spawns from Xavier’s mind, he has the power to manipulate his students’ minds, and this leads to some interesting results, like having Cannonball freak out or Cyclops turn his powers on his friends. However, Onslaught develops so many other powers including super strength, energy blasts, EMP blasts, etc. that it starts to make him feel less unique. The X-staff is going for a cosmic-level bad guy ala Dark Phoenix or Thanos, but Onslaught never feels thought out enough to resonate as much with the readers.

It’s good to see the Dark Beast finally get something to do other than complain about life with the X-Men in his head. The X-Men’s confusion is well handled, but this thread leads to one of the other problems with this crossover. In order to have just about every Marvel title “tie in” to the story, sometimes events happened in the completely wrong books. So the Dark Beast/Beast storyline that has been running for months in the X-Men titles gets resolved in X-Factor, the origin of Onslaught happens in Wolverine, and Magneto/Joseph—who has been set up as a future X-Man already in the X-Men titles—gets discovered in Avengers. Again, none of these stories ever really contribute to the overall main plot (which should be combating Onslaught) whatsoever.

Still, I can’t help but notice that most of my criticisms, while originating with this issue, have more to do with the overall structure of the story than the issue itself. I actually quite like this one. The video from Bishop’s future is a nice touch, and a lot of the action is really good. All the X-Men’s reactions feel well done, although Xavier/Onslaught tends to talk a little too much and Jean’s inner ranting about Onslaught goes on for far too long. And of course, I can’t really understand the plan in the middle of the issue to split up when they’re facing the supposedly most powerful enemy they’ve ever faced. The ending struggles a little to involve Bishop, since he really had nothing to do with the resolution of the Traitor storyline. It feels tacked on to make Bishop the hero of the issue since he also won’t do a lot in the fight against Onslaught.

While this issue feels significant to a point, it’s a shame that most of the storylines either shift to unrelated books or disappear completely from the story. Out of the dozens of issues that are going to crossover, only two or three are going to deal directly with fighting Onslaught, so he never really gets developed as a character. There’s an interesting idea here about him being a manifestation of Xavier’s repressed feelings and emotions, but it gets bogged down in connections with Magneto and plot devices that serve no purpose. The traitor thread does get resolved, but this also feels shoe horned in. This is an exciting enough issue that is a little too long for its own good; it does a good job of setting up the main ideas, but the story never really develops any themes or developments beyond these general ideas.

B

Uncanny X-Men #334

Uncanny X-Men #344
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Joe Madureira

What Went Down: Juggernaut emerges from a lake near the Xavier Institute. He swims underwater again and takes out some cameras. Up in the actual mansion, Bishop is trying to fix Cerebro after it overloaded in X-Men #51. He recognizes the technology from his time, but wonders what happened to stunt technology development to such a degree, which doesn’t make sense since Cerebro is obviously far more advanced than any other computer of its time. Gambit pops in, and Bishop calls him Remy for the first time. They discuss how Sinister’s attack in X-Men #52 reassured Bishop that he wasn’t crazy, and then an intruder alarm goes off, so they go to check it out.

Cyclops is in the Danger Room, shooting a bunch of drones. Jean bursts in, telling him they need to talk. She tells him about Onslaught’s attack on her, and that as time passes she remembers less and less. When Scott suggests going to Xavier, she becomes scared and tells him to wait. In Colorado, Archangel is trying to contact the mansion, but having no luck. This is odd, since Juggernaut destroyed his home last month in X-Men #53, so it’s probably a mistake on the writers’ parts. Psylocke is also unable to contact them with her telepathy, but she says it might be due to the Crimson Dawn. They decide to go to Westchester.

In Xavier’s study, Cannonball is telling the Professor how he feels guilty for not preventing Wolverine’s transformation in Wolverine #100. Xavier overreacts, yells at the youth for being so weak, and dismisses him.

Bishop and Gambit take a water skimmer out to the lake to find the disturbance. The Juggernaut attacks and knocks them both out. In Beast’s lab, the Dark Beast is examining Wolverine while Iceman and Storm watch. Dark Beast points out the ludicrousness of his counterpart's role in the X-Men, wondering how many scientific duties he was asked to perform at a given time. Wolverine breaks free of the restraints and runs off. Storm goes after him, but she is interrupted by Cannonball, who wants to talk about the Professor.

Bastion shows up backstage at a Graydon Creed rally and tells him off for stupidly attacking Senator Kelly last issue. Jean goes into the lake house, but discovers Gambit and Bishop unconscious on the floor. Juggernaut appears and tells her he’s not there to fight. He asks for Jean’s help because he knows Onslaught’s identity, but he can’t remember it. As a sign of good faith, he removes his helmet.

In the War Room, Xavier is going over files on the Age of Apocalypse’s Nate Grey, who attacked him in X-Man #10—a quote/unquote pivotal battle. Cyclops shows up because Xavier sent for him, and Xavier proceeds to tell him how big of a disappointment he is. He then tells Scott to stay strong, and reveals himself to be a telepathic projection. On the comlink, Xavier tells him that this was a test.

Jean takes Juggernaut to an underground, psi-shielded chamber that Xavier used to prepare for the Z’nox Invasion, back when he faked his own death.

The issue concludes by announcing that X-Men #54 will reveal the identity of Onslaught, but you’ve probably already figured it out from the previous page. There’s also a section recapping all of the previous mentions of Onslaught from the other X-Books, even though next month they’ll all be made trivial.

How It Was: This marks pretty much the height of the Bishop/Gambit bromance. After Onslaught, Gambit moves onto a love triangle with Rogue and Joseph while Bishop does nothing for a while before being blasted into space…seriously. But it has been kind of nice seeing the former enemies’ friendship grow, even if its sole purpose is to make the X-traitor subplot relevant again for the big reveal during Onslaught. Sure, having Bishop call Gambit “Remy” is a little sappy, but for what it is it works. And it means that Bishop will finally stop whining about his visions and dreams from another world. Unlike last time, the Juggernaut gets to show off his power by easily overpowering the X-Men and not acting like a hysterical girl, as he did in Uncanny #322.

Lobdell and Waid must have gone through all the original X-Men issues looking for ideas, because this issue brings us a plot device from the long, long forgotten Z’nox plotline of Uncanny #65. Once again while it is a neat little Easter egg for diehard fans, I doubt many people remembered, or even were familiar with, this obscure nod to the sixties. What’s really great is seeing Jean take such an active role in the series after being Cyclops’ partner for so long. Her conflict over whether to trust Xavier is very well handled. There is definitely a feeling of intensity, even now, in her scenes with Juggernaut as she worries about Onslaught discovering them.

However, the mystery is pretty much ruined by the fact that the writers have dropped almost all pretenses to the fact that Xavier is Onslaught. I guess his lashing out could be viewed potentially as Onslaught just manipulating him, but I think it’s pretty clear with the way he handles Cannonball at his desk that he’s being set up as a bad guy in all of this. Oh, and even though I’m really starting to dislike Dark Beast’s plot, I love how he points out how many jobs the real Beast does for the X-Men; he’s a biologist, chemist, medical doctor, virologist, mechanic, and physicist whenever the story necessitates it.

The fact that Archangel and Psylocke are fine in Warren’s house in Colorado is a pretty glaring error. On top of that, the narrative is still talking about Warren’s wing injuries, which is really getting old. And Psylocke is already starting to blame plot mechanics on the plot device that is the Crimson Dawn, a bad trend that just gets worse from here on out. Betsy’s acting weird? Crimson Dawn. She’s got new powers that are necessary for the plot to move on? Crimson Dawn? She can’t do something she normally does? It’s probably the Crimson Dawn. On the other hand, having Bastion call Graydon Creed out for being a moron is pretty entertaining to read.

Overall, the middle chapter in the Onslaught setup trilogy proves to be uneven. The mystery of Onslaught’s identity almost seems futile at this point due to the writing, and Psylocke and Archangel’s participation seems peripheral at best. Some decent character moments make this a little above mediocre, and it does set up everything nicely for the finale, anticlimactic as it is.

C+

X-Men #52

X-Men #52
Writing: Mark Waid
Art: Andy Kubert

What Went Down: Continuing from the cliffhanger last issue, Gambit is charging the front car of a runaway train with explosive energy while Bishop yells at him for being crazy. Gambit reveals that his plan is to have Bishop absorb all of the energy until he has enough to release and stop the train. Somehow this actually works, but it leaves both heroes weakened so that Mr. Sinister can easily knock them out.

In South Carolina, Rogue rents an apartment from a single mother; the woman’s son tries to touch her, and she panics. On TV a news report discusses the runaway train with possible mutants witnessed at the scene. The woman comments about how awful mutants are, and Rogue regretfully agrees with her.

At the train station, police are interviewing all of the formerly mutated humans. A shadowy figure in a trenchcoat and hat walks by, and all the cops refer to him as an important government figure named Bastion.

In Sinister’s underground lab, the X-Men are all elaborately restrained. Sinister explains that he was using the train to test the effectiveness of his new mutant virus which creates minions for his disposal. He is also excited because he finally has Bishop in his possession. You see, because Bishop comes from the future, Sinister has no genetic records of him at all. And since Sinister has collected samples of every other genetic mutant ever, that just won’t do.

Sinister has a machine that projects thoughts, so he’s going to use it to learn Bishop’s origins. Dark Beasts panics because he knows that this test will show that he’s not the real Beast, and reveal to Sinister all his secrets from the Age of Apocalypse. Sinister learns about Bishop’s time traveling, the X-traitor, and the Age of Apocalypse while Beast insists that Gambit free them. Beast also notices that Sinister takes an interest in Gambit’s health when Gambit pretends to be coming down with the virus.

As Sinister approaches him, Gambit releases a charged card and blows up the machine, thus freeing his friends and destroying all of Sinister’s samples. The X-Men defeat Sinister in about two pages, and he teleports away. As they walk away, Gambit tells the group that they are just outside of St. Louis. Dark Beast picks up on this and realizes that Gambit must have a connection to Sinister. Rather than tell the X-Men, he decides to keep this information to himself for future use.

How It Was: First off, I’m no physics expert, but I’m ninety percent sure that Gambit’s plan wouldn’t have a chance in hell of working, due to the fact that the locomotive’s engine is continuously running, so any attempt to introduce an equal opposing force would be negated once Bishop’s energy was depleted. Then again, it’s a comic book about people with genetic anomalies that give them super powers, so I guess I don’t have a lot of grounds to judge it on realism.

How much does it suck to be Dark Beast? Getting captured by the one person you’re trying to hide from on your first mission with the X-Men has to be frustrating. Anyways, Bishop gets something of a resolution to his months long beat of hallucinating about the Age of the Apocalypse. After having his experiences confirmed by Sinister, Bishop is finally able to come to terms with them, and they’re rarely ever mentioned again.  It’s not the most satisfying conclusion, but hey, at least it’s something.

The dialogue between Rogue and her racist landlord is some of the worst to ever appear in an X-Men comic. Not only is it an unflattering portrayal of people in South Carolina (“Don’t tell me I’ve done rented to a mutant lover?”), showing yet another human that hates mutants a lot doesn’t really add anything to the story.

There’s also some more cryptic hinting at Gambit’s relationship with Sinister, but most of this is for the benefit of the Dark Beast so he can figure it out on his own. He says that he plans on using this information to his advantage someday, but again he’s going to be disappearing in a couple of issues and the plot point will fade away with him. Sinister’s reaction to capturing Bishop is well-handled, and the fact that Bishop would be his missing link is a nice touch. In fact, the conflict is really well-constructed in that all three mutants have secrets that they don’t want Sinister to discover or share, so the plot is a little more engaging than your standard “captured by a mad scientist” plotline.

An event that should feel more significant is the destruction of Sinister’s life’s work, a collection of every mutant’s genetic samples, by Gambit. Of course, it would be easier to get excited about if it hadn’t already happened a year ago in X-Men #34, and afterwards Sinister just said that he had duplicates. And yeah, this time Sinister is around to agonize about the loss and lash out at the X-Men, but this only lasts for a page until he’s blasted by Bishop and teleports away. This is a pretty easy victory for the X-Men as far as Sinister goes; usually he puts up more of a fight.

While a nice aside, in the long run this two issue story just doesn’t feel that significant. Sure it resolves Bishop’s whining about the Age of Apocalypse, and it features the Dark Beast and Gambit coming into contact with Sinister, but the story just rushes to the end and neither of the villains do anything with the new information they’ve gathered. After all, Sinister had gained knowledge of the future while Dark Beast knew of the villain’s relationship with Gambit, so something could’ve come of this.

B-

X-Men #51

X-Men #51
Writing: Mark Waid
Art: Pascal Ferry

What Went Down: Professor X and Bishop are in the mansion’s war room attempting to fix Cerebro after it was destroyed way back in the Phalanx storyline. Cerebro detects a massive spike in New Jersey before shorting out again. Even though Xavier believes it might be a malfunction, Bishop, Gambit, and Beast are sent out to investigate.

The coordinates lead the X-Men to a commuter train. Upon entering, they find a number of mutant monsters. Throughout all this, Beast keeps making inappropriate jokes because in reality he’s the Dark Beast in disguise. Bishop explains that the monsters are actually mutated humans, and they witness one human turning into a monster, showing that the mutation is contagious.

At the house of Jean Grey’s parents, Cyclops tests Jean’s niece and nephew for telepathy by hiding a quarter. Jean is not very excited to see this because she wants the children to live normal lives. Jean’s parents turn the TV to the news where we see Graydon Creed officially announce his candidacy for President of the United States.

At the mansion, Xavier calls Mutant Underground member Louis St. Croix to discuss the recent turn of events. Xavier cryptically mentions that he may have to take drastic measures against Creed. On the train, our heroes fight the monsters for a while and then split up. Gambit and Bishop head off towards the engine to stop the train while Beast looks for a way to subdue the passengers. Gambit and Bishop find a really big monster waiting for them in the engine.

Incredibly, Dark Beast is able to create an anesthetic from random ingredients on the train; once unconscious, all the monsters become human again. Beast looks over his work, but Mr. Sinister ambushes him; ironically Dark Beast replaced the regular Beast in an attempt to hide from Mr. Sinister. Back at the front of the train, the controls are smashed, so the X-Men have no way to stop it. Gambit gets an idea and begins charging the front car with kinetic energy. Bishop yells at him for creating a speeding bomb.

How It Was: Gambit and Bishop continue their bromance as they team up yet again to stop a crazy train full of monsters. In case you forgot, the writers are trying to keep the X-traitor storyline on our minds, since it’s going to play a big role in the upcoming Onslaught crossover. Mark Waid does a solid job with characters, especially the Dark Beast, but the plot leaves a little something to desire. The entire “turning humans into mutants” angle feels a little too “mad scientist-y” even for Mr. Sinister, and the manner in which the monsters are defeated is too convenient. After all, why would a train have all the chemicals needed for an airborne anesthetic to be created; it’s not like the Beast has a lot of pockets to keep all of those ingredients in.

I’m glad to see that the Dark Beast doesn’t really fit in with the X-Men, and Waid does a great job of capturing his revulsion and paranoia. Still, since the identity theft only lasts another four issues, not a lot comes of this. And I can’t really understand the whole rationale behind it; why would McCoy think that infiltrating the X-Men would keep him safer from Sinister, rather than just staying in hiding? Of course, we discover how terrible his plan actually is when Sinister captures him during his very first mission with the X-Men.

Bishop and Gambit aren’t given a whole lot characterwise, but since they’re both the focus next issue it’s not a big deal. Ferry’s art works surprisingly well with the monsters; he draws them with a very horror comic aesthetic reminiscent of something you might’ve seen back in the days of EC. Graydon Creed’s announcement feels pretty significant, but as we’ll see after Onslaught, it doesn’t go on for too long, so don’t get too excited. It’s an inauspicious debut for Mark Waid, and it’s hard to get since he’s not staying onboard for too long.

C+