Uncanny X-Men #357

Uncanny X-Men #357
Writing: Steven Seagle

Art: Dan Norton

What Went Down:  On the streets of Ptarmigan Creek, Alaska, a swarm of crows has begun to attack people on the street.  Unaware of these events, the original five X-Men enjoy drinks at a local restaurant.  Jean has interrupted the conversation about Scott’s new direction because she finds it too serious for the get-together.  The team sees the pandemonium outside and jump into action. 

Outside they decide to help people while trying to remain incognito.  Each hero takes a turn saving civilians.  Sheriff Chris shows up and shoots a gun in the air, scaring off the birds.  Iceman presents his hypothesis that the crazy shaman is behind this, but nobody believes him. 

At the Agee Institute, Dr. Agee is examining Rogue’s DNA sample. He talks to his sister about how hideous Rogue is now, and how he’ll cure her as he did his sister.  It is revealed that his sister is a horrible looking monster in a glass tube.  At Scott and Jean’s cabin, the team discusses recent events while Jean gets into costume.  Staci’s sister Melissa barges in and sees the team as mutants.  She says she is okay with it because she has six toes on each foot, so she’s a mutant too. 

Up in space, Bishop (remember him) is still strapped to his bed while the ship he and Deathbird are on plummets towards a sun.  He convinces Deathbird to release him, feigning feelings for her, and the two are able to plot a new course towards a nearby planet. 

In Alaska the team gets into costume and splits up to get to the bottom of the rampaging crows.  Iceman goes after the crazy shaman, Beast and Archangel discover toxic waste in the birds’ habitat, and Cyclops and Jean rescue Chris and his deputy from a swarm of birds.  They are initially insulting to the mutants until their lives are saved by the X-Men. 

As the birds converge and the team reunites, the birds form a big person shape.  Jean discovers that one of the birds is a robot and destroys it at the same time that Cyclops blasts the person-shape and Iceman knocks out the shaman.  The bird-person dissipates, although nobody can say who was responsible.  Cyclops’ is weakened from the use of his power exacerbating his injuries, and Iceman discovers that the shaman’s “bag of enchantment” is full of bird see.  As the rest of the team walks away, Iceman sees the Indian guy’s spirit form into a bird and fly off (I think).  The bird announces the end of the issue.

How It Was:  So…this is an issue where the original X-Men fight a lot of birds.  Nuff said.  It really is that simple and there isn’t anything more to it.  Most disappointing of all is the way Jean derails Scott’s new idea for the X-Men; it’s hard to say if Seagle just never got around to it, or if he never had anything and was just teasing it to fill up space.  Either way it’s a bummer.

And then there’s the fighting with the birds.  This issue has some “so ridiculous they’re good” panels in it, such as Cyclops punching birds mid-air or Iceman beating birds with a sandwich board.  It’s the kind of thing that’s so absurd that it sort of works in an unintentionally humorous sort of way. 

Then we get to the ambiguous ending…I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a true mystery or just playing off of the fact that the plot is so ridiculous that it shouldn’t matter.  It doesn’t really bother me at the end of the day, but I do find the robot bird’s presence a little odd.  There are some story inconsistencies; Cyclops and Jean fret the whole issue over Scott using his power because of his injuries.  However, he also manages to carry a grown man over his shoulder with absolutely no effect whatsoever.  Cyclops and Jean work so hard to maintain a low-profile, but they leave the door unlocked for Melissa to barge right in and learn everything.

Even odder is the pick-up of Bishop’s thread after about four months of losing track of it.  This is a pretty sudden shift, made even more abrupt by the solo focus on Bishop next issue.  As for the events affecting Rogue—this issue more or less states that Agee is crazy, yet the events of #359 seem to brush this aside if I remember right. 

This isn’t something that would sell a new comics reader, but it is fun for longtime X-Men fans to reconnect with the history of the book.  It’s too bad the veteran members of the team could not have had a bigger threat to go up against.  The crows sort of overwhelm this half of the story though, replacing ambiguous suppositions with the fun character moments from last issue.

C

Uncanny X-Men #356

Uncanny X-Men #356
Writing: Steven Seagle

Art: Chris Bachalo

What Went Down:  In the snowy north of Alaska, Archangel, Iceman, and Beast are in a cab on their way to visit Cyclops and Jean.  They’ve traveled all this way after listening to a concerned message from Scott.  The cab they’re in gets hit by a bird and crashes into a moose.  This allows the X-Men to meet secondary character Sheriff Chris Miller—Scott and Jean’s neighbor. Iceman sees a local crazy man and considers that he might be responsible.

Back at the mansion, Wolverine is waiting in the yard for SHIELD with the captive Karl Lykos, the alter ego of Sauron.  Wolverine has recaptured him off-panel after the end of #355.  Rogue shows up in her original costume and tells him she’s going to the city.  After Rogue flies away, there’s a big flash and Lykos is gone, presumably taken by GW Bridge.

In Alaska, the original X-Men are reunited and introduced to Chris’s wife and sister-in-law.  Inside, the X-Men ask Scott why he summoned them.  Scott is hesitant, because he doesn’t want to talk about Jean in front of her, so he talks about wanting to discuss a new direction for the X-Men.  Upstairs Cyclops explains to Beast that he is concerned about Jean’s powers and her wearing of the Phoenix costume.  He mentions that last time he saw Jean wear the costume he was silent while it took her over, but now he wants to stay on top of it. 

Downstairs the X-Men reminisce about the events of Uncanny X-Men #1 and discuss recent events in the comics.  They also discuss trying to find the Professor, although Jean says she’s been looking with her powers.  The room fills with smoke, and Warren flies up to find a dead bird clogging the chimney.  Staci’s sister sees Warren on the roof.

In Manhattan, Rogue observes Dr. Agee to see if she can trust him.  After seeing him leave a research facility called Mutopia, she confronts him.  He claims that Mutopia wanted him to join their consortium, but he declined.  During this conversation, Rogue slips into Gambit’s speech patterns for a moment. 

Scott and Jean take the rest of the X-Men out to a restaurant.  They’re forced to park far away due to a protest of the local Inuits over land rights.  Iceman sees the crazy shaman again, and Cyclops sits down with the X-Men to discuss his bold new direction from Xavier’s dream as a large flock of crows flies over the restaurant.

How It Was:  This is a random one, but it’s full of nostalgia and faithful characterization.  Seagle’s story is reminiscent of the quieter, more character-centric issues of X-Men that Scott Lobdell used to write after a big crossover.  The main difference is that this isn’t after a big crossover; it seems to be setting up a future Phoenix story or a new direction for the team, but it never really gets around to doing either.  All that really happens is an original X-Men reunion with some offbeat Twin Peaks-esque supernatural occurrences happening around it.

In spite of weird tone of the plot, the reunion is actually really nice to see.  Even though the majority of these characters have been in circulation for over thirty years by this point, most of them had been more or less overshadowed at the time by newer, more popular characters like Wolverine, Storm, Rogue, and Gambit.   Seagle nails the relationship of the group perfectly—the playfulness, the desire to help each other, the comfort these characters have around each other, and the way being around each other makes them feel younger.  The scene between Beast and Scott over Jean works really well; the concern Scott expresses feels authentic and it’s a strong use of continuity that reinforces the story, rather than convoluting it.  Seagle also has some fun trying to hide the Beast’s appearance, but the joke might go on for a little too long.

As far as weaknesses…well, Chris and Staci are still one-dimensional as ever, and so is their new sister Melissa.  And the bird storyline is just an odd direction to go; it really feels like a forced reason just to get the team into costume next issue.  There was a focusing on birds in #352 as well, so I do wonder if the cosmic entity in that story was meant to be the reason for Jean’s sudden interest in the Phoenix.  Ah, we’ll never know.  Bachalo makes the most of the imagery, and his designs for the characters are all vibrant (even if he gives Iceman a goofy soul patch). 

Also worth noting, the Rogue/Agee subplot has a lot of setup this issue that never plays off.  The Agee scenes especially are positioning him as a crazy villain, but all this gets forgotten soon enough.  As for Rogue being possessed by Gambit, this doesn’t pay off, except for maybe some throwaway lines from Rogue later.  Seagle’s character work is top notch this issue, even if his plot feels forced.  I like that the spotlight is being directed on characters that haven’t had it on them in a while.  It’s just really a shame that a lot of what is here gets dropped later on.

B-

X-Men #74

X-Men #74
Writing: Joe Kelly

Art: Carlos Pacheco

What Went Down:  Marrow is in the Morlock tunnels with a suffering Calisto, praying for Calisto to be saved.  We see that she is praying to a handmade doll of Archangel, calling him the one who was reborn. Coincidentally, Archangel is flying high over New York, enjoying the feeling of flying with his organic wings.  He has decided that he must confront his personal demons, which involves revisiting the Morlock tunnels…the place where he first lost his natural wings.

At Harry’s Hideaway, Wolverine is talking to the proprietor and reading the paper about the mysterious murders and mutilations in the city.  At the mansion, Beast and Cecilia are testing Maggott’s powers while he hams it up.  Maggott throws a snowball at Cecilia, causing Beast to laugh, so Cecilia tackles Beast.  Maggott notices that Eany and Meany, his slugs, have disappeared. 

Down in the sewers, Marrow goes off for fresh water while Archangel relives his memories of the Morlock Massacre.  He crashes in the sewer, and he is confronted by the Abomination.  Marrow observes this from far away.

Wolverine examines a crime scene, using fake credentials to gain access.  Below, Archangel knows he is outmatched by Abomination, so he tries to get away.  Marrow realizes he is going the wrong way, and runs off to help him.  In her weakened state, someone approaches Calisto with a needle.  Calisto hallucinates that it is Colossus, who she used to share a relationship with; the stranger notes it is strange that she sees Colossus, but plays along.

Marrow confronts Abomination to try to buy Archangel time to escape.  Warren feels ashamed that a young girl is coming to his rescue, so he makes a stand to save Marrow.  Back at Xavier’s, Maggott finds his slugs, but finds evidence that they may’ve murdered someone.

Abomination tries to disillusion Marrow by showing Warren how ugly she is.  Abomination lashes out and tries to explain that they will never be appreciated by the surface world.  Marrow digs out some knives and throws them at Abomination’s eyes. 

Wolverine is running back to the mansion after smelling Maggott’s slugs at the crime scene.  Suddenly, he is attacked from behind.  Abomination pulls out the knives and debates with Archangel whether Marrow can ever be accepted on the surface.  Abomination walks off, warning Marrow that she’ll be back.  Marrow reveals her real name of Sarah to Warren, and Warren says he’ll put in a good word for her to the X-Men.  Archangel notices that her knives are old flechettes from when he had metal wings, but Marrow disappears before he can question her.  Maggott finds Wolverine in the snow covered in blood and thinks that his slugs are responsible.

How It Was:  This is a bit of a random one, with a ton of coincidences driving it, but it’s actually a fun little shot of Warren and Sarah’s personalities.  This is one of the better stories to feature Archangel; he hasn’t had much to do in any X-Men stories in a while.  Kelly wisely ejects the horrible idea that Warren thinks his life is super difficult, instead choosing to focus on his more traumatic and sympathetic experiences.  Whether intentional or not, this serves as an excellent revisit of the previous Morlock story with Archangel, where he froze up and cried for the whole story.  Kelly sets this up as something that Warren has to do in response to all of the changes that have occurred in his life; he hasn’t really had to time to process anything, and he has to show himself that he can take charge of his own destiny.

As for Marrow, this is a strange turn to have her crush on/worship Archangel, but Kelly wisely focuses mostly on the power of the imagery.  The idea that as a child Marrow wanted something to believe in is a solid direction that isn’t really exploited enough here; Marrow comes off as a little out-of-character after having rejected so much from the material world.  It’s a shame that the story chooses to ignore Marrow’s past life as a terrorist because I think that might make for a more interesting conflict.  Still, it’s nice to see that the writers are actually doing something with her and not letting her fade to the background.

As for the plot, it’s quite odd that Marrow wouldn’t seek help from the X-Men if Calisto was actually dying.  Also, I’m unfamiliar with the Abomination having anything to do with the Morlocks before this, so his appearance seems out of the ordinary.  Kelly has clearly set up the themes of darkness and redemption, but in dealing with both characters’ histories, it’s strange that they’d confront an antagonist that has so little to do with both of them.  Plus his motivations are a little off.  First he wants to kill both of them, and then it becomes a debate over whether Marrow can be accepted on the surface. Yes the angel and devil parallels are not lost on me, yet it feels a little over done.  I think this might’ve worked better if Marrow had just attacked Archangel for trespassing, with the two eventually coming to an understanding over their dark histories and mutual respect.  The stuff with Marrow’s hero worship and the Abomination doesn’t quite fit.

As for the subplot with Calisto, this gets forgotten after X-Men #79, so don’t get your hopes up.  It was supposed to lead into a story about the Dark Beast and his connections to the Morlocks, which might’ve been interesting, but we’ll never know.

The art is pretty fantastic; Pacheco brings his A game and does a great job contrasting the bright snow-filled sky with the dark, oppressive sewers.  In a story where so much of it is dependent on atmosphere, Pacheco sells us on the quiet desperation of Marrow taking care of Calisto, or the internal struggle between Archangel and his memories. The only flaw, although it’s a pretty big one, is the final page.  It’s supposed to be a big reveal that Maggott’s slugs have potentially mutilated Wolverine, but due to the Comics Code, we only get Wolverine with a scar on his chest screaming.  It doesn’t really convey the horror that Maggott is feeling; it looks more like Maggott walked in on him in his underwear.

This is probably the best Archangel story of the nineties, which isn’t saying a lot, but still it’s pretty good.  I question the structure of the story, but I really like where it takes the characters, and I like the overwhelming odds, even though the threat just sort of peters out and walks away.  It’s still worth a look.

 B-

Uncanny X-Men #353

Uncanny X-Men #353
Writing: Steve Seagle

Art: Chris Bachalo

What Went Down:  Rogue has a dream where she absorbs Wolverine’s abilities and he is forced to kill her.  Interestingly, in the dream she mentions discovering that Wolverine has a son, although there’s no way this could’ve been foreshadowing for Daken a decade later.  When she wakes up, she talks with Storm about her dream, Gambit, and her frustrations with her powers.  Now that she’s had sex with Gambit, she is craving the touch of others.  This is also the first time it is suggested that Rogue left Gambit in Antarctica because she had absorbed his feelings, and that it was actually what he wanted.  Storm comforts her and tells her to move on, then invites her to the pond even though it is the middle of winter.  Storm is using her powers to turn the winter weather into spring. 

On top of a roof in the city, Archangel is brooding.  Psylocke shows up, and Warren discusses how he feels torn between his duty to his personal life and that of the X-Men.  Psylocke jumps off the roof, forcing Warren to catch her in a panic.  Betsy sees this as proof that he wants a life with her more, but this stunt angers Archangel and he flies off.

At the mansion, Jubilee and Iceman are both up for a visit to enjoy the warm weather.  Rogue freaks out when she sees Wolverine and runs off to find Joseph.  Wolverine detects an intruder and goes off to deal with it.  While he runs, he thinks of how stupid he was to let Marrow get to him in X-Men #72.

The intruder turns out to be Margaret Stone, a state inspector for the Board of Education.  Xavier’s is past due for a report of some kind.  We then go up in space to Bishop dreaming about witnessing the X-Men dying.  He wakes up to Deathbird, who tells him that he is unable to move, but that she will do anything for him.  At Xavier’s, Joseph is watching a news program about a Dr. Agee, who has discovered a cure for being a mutant.  Rogue meets up with Joseph to suggest touching him to absorb his memories and possibly find out who he is.  Joseph sees right through this as a weak attempt to touch him. 

Rogue runs out crying, bumping into Wolverine and the inspector.  They discover Joseph next to a smashed TV while Joseph has some kind of attack, yelling, “He is near.”  Since he did this last in #350, we’re led to believe that Magneto is somewhere around, but we never find out if he is or not.  Anyways, the inspector runs of in a huff, claiming she’ll be back.

Oddly, instead of helping Joseph, Wolverine just goes down to the pond where the other X-Men are playing.  Wolverine gets angry at Iceman for a thrown snowball and tackles him into the water.  Marrow calls down from a tree, taunting him about his anger patterns.  Wolverine walks off mad.  After cutting his leg on something in the water, Iceman discovers the original Blackbird, hidden there by Forge.

As Wolverine tries to relax, two hands grab him and absorb his power.  The X-Men go after his yell, and discover Rogue standing over him.  Storm tells Rogue to step away, which hurts Rogue and makes her run away.  We then learn that it was really Sauron who took down Wolverine, and he’s after the rest of the X-Men.

In the epilogue, Jean and Scott arrive at their house, but the driveway is snowed in.  Because Scott is injured, Jean uses her telekinesis, even though the snow should be too heavy for her to move.  The pattern the snow is moved in just happens to look like the Phoenix symbol.

How It Was:  After a couple of quiet one-shot stories, it’s obvious that Seagle is trying to get back to X-Men storytelling as usual.  And he picks some good threads to follow up on.  Obviously Rogue should have some severe emotional fallout from her experiences in Antarctica, so it’s nice to see this continued.  I like the idea that having physical intimacy one time in Rogue’s case is worse than never having it all, and I can totally buy that this is the straw that would cause her to want to get rid of her powers.  The focus on Wolverine is a little random, but makes for some great imagery of her getting stabbed up in the dream.

 

Archangel’s scenes are a misfire, as I can’t really believe that any readers would be interested in Warren feeling sorry for himself.  Psylocke’s behavior makes her equally unrelatable and unsympathetic, and it’s clear that like so many other writers, Seagle’s not quite sure what to do with them. 

It’s odd that Seagle chose to bring in Iceman and Jubilee to guest star, especially since there were already a lot of characters running around this book.  They are basically there to have the fun that all the other characters are too old to be having.  After all, it’s hard to picture Storm and Wolverine jumping off of tire swings. 

This issue does take some weird missteps.  The Education Inspector had so much potential, but she leaves before anything too out-of-hand occurs.  The real slip-up for me is Wolverine’s treatment of Joseph.  Joseph has this weird seizure and next issue we find out that he’s stopped breathing, and Wolverine just walked off and ignored it.  The inspector asks if he’s okay, but doesn’t do anything about it.  Sure Wolverine doesn’t really like Joseph, but he doesn’t want him dead.  It just doesn’t feel right or make much sense at all.  And for that matter, are we supposed to take this as Magneto being near the mansion?  It would be nice to know, but unfortunately we never will. 

Bishop’s ‘lost in space’ schtick is another odd choice.  It’s nice that Seagle is finally giving him something to do, but it just feels so far removed from everything else that it might as well not be here.  On the other hand, I do like the touch of ‘Misery’ that Seagle has added with Deathbird being in love with Bishop, but unable to express it without holding him against his will and lying to him.

Chris Bachalo takes over as regular artist, and he’s a pretty good choice.  His characters have the same cartoony proportions of Madureira’s art, but with a slightly less Manga lean to it.  Sure Wolverine still looks a little too much like the Beast, but it’s not quite as exaggerated.  In more hectic scenes, it can be difficult to follow what’s going on in Bachalo’s work, but overall it’s still really good. 

As for Sauron, all I can say is that it feels like it’s been years since the X-Men fought an actual super villain.  Between OZT and Graydon Creed and everything in between, I can’t really tell how long it’s been since the X-Men have fought someone from their regular rogues gallery.  There are some excellent scenes with Rogue dealing with her powers, but it’s weighed down a bit.  Poor Joseph gets completely shortchanged, and some of the other bits just feel out of place, mostly due to never being followed up on.

B-

Uncanny X-Men #351

Uncanny X-Men #351
Writing: Steve Seagle

Art: John Cassady, Terry Dodson, and a whole bunch more

What Went Down:  On a plane to Alaska, Jean Grey is telepathically searching for the Professor, but her abilities are hampered by something or someone on the plane.  The plane lurches as a small aircraft attaches to it.  Cyclops and Jean discuss her troubles until they are interrupted by Staci, their new Alaskan neighbor.  As the couples talk, another passenger panics and has to be restrained. 

At the institute, Archangel flies over to assist the team with the cleanup from X-Men #70 and say goodbye to Scott and Jean, unaware that they’ve already left.  Wolverine complains that it’s been three days since they asked for help, and Warren should’ve been there to help from the start.  Warren tries to explain that he’s been busy with his business and his relationship; Maggott and Logan mock him.  Joseph even complains that Betsy should’ve teleported him to a hospital.  Archangel leaves angry; he’s observed by Marrow, who is infatuated by him. 

Back in the air, the plane is invaded by soldiers of AIM.  Since they are an organization dedicated to science, all the agents are named after famous scientists.  The soldiers capture a Dr. Sibelius and ask him about the entity.  Dr. Sibelius tells them that they have no idea what they’re dealing with, so the AIM members shoot him with a taser.  Jean is away from her seat, so she decides to look for the Entity. 

Suddenly, all of the passengers and soldiers are overwhelmed by memories of sad moments in their lives.  The soldiers tase the unruly passenger; Cyclops goes to stop them, but decides his eyebeams would be too much strain on his injuries.  Back in Westchester, Cannonball receives a letter from Tabitha “Boom Boom” Smith inviting him to go to Colossal Man, a Burning Man analogue for the Marvel Universe, with the rest of his old teammates in X-Force.  Sam flies off, and the editor plugs his adventures in X-Force #75.

In the storage compartments on the plane Jean discovers the entity: a fiery ghost presence that has been imprisoned.  The Entity can control emotions, and Jean is afraid to use her powers around it.  Instead, Jean hides as AIM brings the scientist below, but Dr. Sibelius explains that Entity’s container is rigged to explode if it is opened at this high of an altitude.  The soldiers are assaulted by another wave of negative emotions.

Outside the plane, the AIM hovercraft detaches to let the plane land, but ends up crashing into the plane’s wing.  Cyclops tackles one of the guards, and a pilot hits another with a fire extinguisher, saving the passengers.  Jean takes out another guard and convinces Entity to project calm emotions into everyone on the plane so they won’t panic.  After the plane lands, Jean talks to the government officials on behalf of Entity, saying that she should be freed.  The soldiers are from Department H, basically the Canadian equivalent of Weapon X.  Jean and Scott finish the issue talking to their new neighbors about how crazy an adventure they just had.

How It Was:  After the heartfelt goodbye of X-Men #71, it’s surprising and a little disappointing to see Cyclops and Jean Grey again so soon afterwards.  Yes, this story was teased last issue, but with Cyclops on the mend, how good of an adventure could the two really get into?  The answer is not a great one, especially since it is dependent on an extraordinary amount of coincidences.  The plane that they’re on contains their future neighbors, an imprisoned disembodied spirit that controls emotions, has two super heroes on it, and is the target of an AIM robbery.  Again Seagle is going for a seemingly normal everyday experience interrupted by the fact that the protagonists live in the Marvel Universe, but this one feels really forced.

The Entity itself is a curious character because the descriptions of it as a firebird always led me to believe that it was the Phoenix Force, or somehow related to it.  This would explain some of the events that take place in the next few issues.  But then the climax is Entity making everyone feel good about themselves, and then disappearing to never be seen again.  Pretty lame.  The rest of the action isn’t great either: we get Scott and Jean punching out a couple of guards and Cyclops complaining about his injury for like ten pages straight.

The Archangel thread is also a surprising choice.  I do like that Seagle acknowledges Warren and Betsy’s exclusion from the events of X-Men #70, but this scene seems like a lot of overreaction, and not a lot comes of it.  Psylocke was teleporting everyone home after an adventure, so why does it matter to everybody where they ended up?  And Archangel sounds like such a twat when he complains how hard his life is compared to the X-Men.  He’s a freaking billionaire!  It’s not a particularly interesting direction to take Archangel, and it’s an even worse choice to introduce Marrow’s infatuation with him when he’s complaining about how hard it is to maintain an apartment, a business, and a relationship.  Yes, I know the writers are setting up this religious experience to further Marrow’s character transformation, but hearing Warren whine like he does would go against everything Marrow believes about survival and superficial trappings making you weak.

And now for the huge issue with this issue.  The cover boasts more artists than any other single issue, and they’re probably right.  There are six pencillers and six inkers.  Which leads to the obvious question: how does it look?  And then the answer which is: pretty terrible.  The art is horribly inconsistent, with drastically different art styles being swapped in the middle of scenes.  It’s incredibly jarring.  For example, the beginning of Archangel’s argument is drawn in a dark, thickly inked and sketchy style with a drab, dull color palate.  Then you turn the page and it switches to bright colors and typical Marvel house style with virtually no inks.  Cyclops goes from the thickest five-o-clock shadow you’ve ever seen to completely shaved a few pages later.  It’s clear that the X-offices were still scrambling to replace Joe Madureira as a regular pencil, but there’s no excuse for this.  If you’re trying to sell comics as a legitimate entertainment form next to movies and TV, more effort has to go into the product to make it look good.  So we end up with a mediocre story with a lot of art snags. 

D+

Uncanny X-Men #350

Uncanny X-Men #350

Writing: Steve Seagle

Art: Joe Madureira and Andy Smith

What Went Down:  On his way to his trial, Gambit reminisces about meeting Sinister prior to his final job for the villain.  Gambit tells Sinister he’s done working for him, after assembling a group of villains.  Sinister insists he needs one last job and throws Gambit a tiny vial for his payment.  In present day Antarctica, Spat and Grovel are piloting a snowmobile to an unknown location.  The snowmobile is taken over by an unknown source and disappears.

Elsewhere, Beast is cobbling together a transport for the group to go after Gambit with.  Joseph explains that he has used his powers to reconfigure some of the robots’ clothes from the last story, but this might just be an excuse to cover up for the artist drawing the wrong costumes.

In Manhattan, Psylocke has knocked Maggott out and is examining him while Angel fights his two slugs.  Betsy begins to do her shadow teleport because part of Maggott is “missing” and something in him “attracts” her.  Warren and the slugs hurry into the portal to follow her.

In his cell, a mysterious voice chastises Gambit for his crimes.  Gambit assumes it is Sinister.  Meanwhile, the X-Men have pieced together a working transport.  The team pulls over when Joseph starts to feel ill.  Outside, Rogue finds one of Gambit’s playing cards, and Joseph raises a giant citadel from the snow. 

After a one page interlude where Xavier has a nightmare about different teams of X-Men asking where he is, the X-Men journey into the castle.  They split up to look for Gambit, even though Joseph is about to fall over from illness.

Coincidentally, Psylocke has also managed to teleport to the very same citadel; for some reason Angel and Maggott appear in different parts of the building.  Warren discovers a noose, and Maggott runs into Joseph.  Joseph recognizes Maggott, although he doesn’t know from where.  Then Joseph is knocked out by a mystery person, whom Maggott recognizes.  Beast, Trish, Psylocke, and Angel are all captured by the mystery person as well. 

Rogue finds Gambit in a cell.  She tries to convince him to leave, but he refuses.  A person dressed like Erik the Red appears with Spat and Grovel, and they take down Rogue. 

On a plane over Pennsylvania, the other team of X-Men is returning home from New Mexico after surviving Operation Zero Tolerance.  Jean is trying to help Cyclops, who has a bomb in his stomach.  Cannonball contemplates how out of place he feels among such close friends, and Jubilee warns him about thinking too hard.

Erik the Red and his robot assistant Ferris stand before the captured X-Men.  Angel is announced to be Gambit’s defender while the rest of the X-Men make up the jury.  Warren notes that Erik the Red isn’t a person, but a disguise that different characters have used over the years, like Cyclops and a Shi’ar agent.  Some the other X-Men wonder if it might be Joseph, but Erik drags the badly beaten Joseph out for them all to see. 

Gambit tells the first part of his story; he admits to working for Sinister and not telling the team.  Naturally the team is less than thrilled by this.  All of a sudden Psylocke recalls some memories of Gambit’s that she had gleamed from his mind waaaayy back in Uncanny X-Men #324, but conveniently forgotten about until this very moment.  She tells the X-Men that Gambit assembled Mr. Sinister’s Marauders right before the Morlock Massacre.  Archangel is angered by this because he lost his wings during that event.

Then Erik commands Rogue to kiss Gambit and reveal the rest of his secrets.  Rogue doesn’t want to, but she is forced.  Gambit showed the Marauders the way to the Morlock tunnels, not realizing that they were going to kill all the Morlocks.  Once he figured out their goal, Gambit tried to stop them, but he was wounded by Sabretooth.  Injured, he managed to save one Morlock child, who later turns out to be Marrow. 

After kissing Gambit, Rogue absorbs his powers and is able to free herself and the other X-Men.  They beat on Erik the Red until he retreats, collapsing the hideout in the process.  Rogue grabs Gambit while the other X-Men escape through Psylocke’s teleportation.  Gambit thinks that Rogue has decided to forgive him, but instead she is disgusted by what she has learned.  She decides to leave him stranded in Antarctica because she can’t stand to be around him.

In an escape craft, the robot Ferris attends to Erik the Red.  Erik removes his disguise, revealing himself to be Magneto, the Master of Magnetism. 

How It Was: Finally, we come to it.  Gambit’s big secret revealed.  Was it worth the wait?  Well, that’s hard to say, but at least it’s over and done.  There are quite a few surprises in this book, such as the real Magneto, but the execution leaves a little to be desired.

The fact is that there are some wonky plot mechanics going on here.  Psylocke’s weird teleporting power ends up sending her, Maggott, and Archangel to the citadel for absolutely no reason other than plot convenience.  Yes he was looking for Magneto, but he hadn’t found him yet.  Psylocke’s interest in Maggott is completely forgotten after this issue, so it reads especially strange here.  Psylocke sticks out again when testifying against Gambit.  How could she forget all of this information until this issue, twenth-six issues from the original mind scan?  It’s just such a convoluted way of getting to the point, and there had to have been a simpler way to tell this story, although Steve Seagle did okay with what he inherited.

On top of Psylocke’s strange plot contrived moments, the rest of the X-Men serve no purpose here.  This story could’ve easily been Joseph, Rogue, and Gambit and probably been a lot better for it.  Also, Magneto’s purpose here never plays into any larger stories at all; later he just makes a throwaway comment about how he was trying to sew dissention among the X-Men.  At least Spat and Grovel make their last appearance (as far as I know).

This issue still has some moments.  I like Erik the Red’s grandiose entrance, and I chuckled every time he repeated for the group to be silent. Plus Magneto’s robot is named Ferris (Get it, ferrous.  Ha!). The flashback with Gambit trying to stop the Marauders is a nice little moment, especially since Gambit’s been so moody for the last year or so of issues.

The big moment of the issue, what will make or break it for the reader, is your reaction to Gambit being left behind in Antarctica.  I’m conflicted.  On the one hand it works so well thematically with Rogue doing everything to convince Remy she can forgive him and ultimately not being able to.  Yes it’s a little contradictory since Rogue was a villain before and ruined her fair share of lives, but it’s easy to see why Rogue is upset and why she would feel utterly betrayed, given the circumstances of their recent bit of intimacy.  But then there is the fact that she just leaves him alone, shirtless even, in the middle of Antarctica, where he would surely die.  That’s a really steep punishment, especially coming from an X-Man because they don’t even kill their enemies.  I tend to lean more toward the camp that enjoys the scene.  It’s melodrama, but it builds on the (very few) good parts that have been in previous issues, and it opens up some interesting story potential for Rogue.  Yes, it’s strange that she tries to kill him by stranding him, but that gets written away later, you’ll see.

Joe Mad turns in his last regular art duties, and unfortunately he was unable to finish the whole book.  Yes, it is a double page anniversary issue, but it’s still disappointing.  Paul Smith’s filler is perfectly fine, but it doesn’t match Madureira’s style whatsoever.  Plus, for a double-sized issue, not a lot happens until the very end.  There’s almost no action, and most of the exposition is recapping all the events up until now for potential new readers.  Yes this story is drawn out, and most of the threads are never picked up again, but I once again find myself enjoying the Gambit and Rogue emotional roller coaster.  It’s just too bad more didn’t come from the events of this issue. 

C+

Uncanny X-Men #349

Uncanny X-Men #349

Writing: Scott Lobdell

Art: Chris Bachalo

What Went Down:  Maggott is up on top of the World Trade Center, reliving memories from people who have visited the monument.  Note that this is a power of Maggott’s that will never appear again.  Anyways, he finds the memory of Joseph kissing Rogue in the Christmas issue, and wonders why the moment was so significant for the girl. Out of nowhere we see the pink effect of Psylocke’s power.

Back in the underground Antarctic cave, Trish Tilby recaps the plot of the story up until now with internal monologue.  She finds that her boyfriend the Beast has been turned human by the technology in the cave.  Also, the attackers from last issue have vanished for no reason.

In the dungeon, Gambit sits brooding over his decision to sleep with Rogue.  He thinks that he doesn’t deserve happiness, and he’s also worried how she will feel when she finds out about his secret.  Rogue comes up to him hugging him and thanking him sincerely for the experience.  She tells him that she loves him; Gambit responds that she doesn’t even know him and runs off.

Below the WTC, despite seeing the effect of Psylocke’s powers, Maggott roams the street vendors unassaulted.  Then in the middle of a crowd, Psylocke just starts beating the heck out of Maggott.  When asked why, she just keeps repeating some vague nonsense about sensing a great darkness in him without any other justification.  Also it’s important to note that Psylocke has some new powers and personality quirks due to her exposure to the Crimson Dawn that were detailed in a mini-series with her and Archangel.  Maggott decides to fight back and turns blue while up in the sky Archangel watches the battle. 

Grovel tries to get Gambit to open up about his feelings.  Gambit wants to tell Rogue the truth about his past, but he is afraid of losing her.  On the other end of the cell, Spat tries to help Rogue remember what is bothering Gambit.  Joseph bursts through the door with a broken robot.  Gambit picks the locks on their chains, even though earlier he said he couldn’t, and the group begins their escape.

Back in New York, Maggott and Psylocke fight.  Psylocke uses her psychic blade on Maggott, but for some reason she can’t focus, and one of his slug’s tries to eat her.  Archangel swoops down in time to hit it away with a post.  Warren questions the wisdom of seeking out this threat when there are so many already, but Psylocke insists that there is “great darkness” in him. 

Nanny shows up to foil the escape plan at the South Pole, all while a mystery person watches on a monitor.  Nanny decides she is just going to kill everyone, but her head gets knocked off at the last second.  The Beast guessed that since Trish Tilby was human, Nanny wouldn’t recognize her as a threat, so he had Trish hit Nanny really hard with a crowbar.  The X-Men get their powers back, but Gambit decides to go with Spat and Grovel to accept the consequences for his mystery actions.  He still refuses to tell Rogue what is bothering him.

How It Was:  Well, I’ll be…finally some action in a super hero story.  Of course none of it occurs in the main ongoing plot thread involving the majority of the team.  Instead we get a fight with Maggott and Psylocke, which is probably a little hard to follow since the audience doesn’t know what Maggott’s powers are or why he is turning blue.  The fight itself is nicely done by Bachalo, but it’s a little anti-climactic to have Warren stop the slug with a post, especially after it ate an entire truck in a previous issue.  The main problem with this thread is that Psylocke comes off as a huge jerk jumping Maggott for no substantial reason.  She just keeps babbling about the darkness in him, but that describes like half the X-Men at any time.  Plus, like most 90’s X-Men threads, she completely forgets about it after this story concludes.

In fact the only thing that might be more anticlimactic would be to have Trish Tilby beat the villain in one hit after three issues of this storyline.  It’s not so much that I mind Trish delivering the final blow and showing that she can actually be useful.  It’s just that I’d like to see the heroes fight the army of cannon fodder robots for a couple of panels at least. 

Once again, the most interesting aspect of this story remains the complex and conflicting feelings Gambit continues to have over his past and his relationship with Rogue.  I like that Gambit and Rogue having sex makes Gambit feel more guilty, calling into question whether his motivations were to make Rogue feel better, or just to dodge her questions and make her feel more attached to him.  I still don’t like Spat and Grovel, but using them as sounding boards for the characters to express their feelings isn’t a terrible use for them.  Most important of all, after years and years of teasing, the X-staff is finally getting to Gambit’s big secret in the next issue.  Yes, most fans had already guessed the specifics at this point, but at least it was going to be over.  This story though was an unnecessary diversion from the final goal.  Yes the moments with Rogue and Gambit were important, but absolutely everything else in the last three issues can pretty much be forgotten.  Not Lobdell’s finest work, which is disappointing since this is his final story arc, but the Gambit/Rogue stuff was pretty well done, even if it could’ve all happened in one issue.

D

Uncanny X-Men #348

Uncanny X-Men #348

Writing: Scott Lobdell

Art: Joe Madureira 

What Went Down:  Joseph, Gambit, Rogue, and the bounty hunters Spat and Grovel start off preparing to battle Nanny and her army of robots and cyborg animals.  Joseph recognizes Nanny, leading to concerns from the X-Men that Magneto’s memories might be returning.  Instead of a battle, Nanny just turns on a power dampener and defeats all of them…after three pages of battle poses.  Trish Tilby observes the X-Men being captured and runs back to tell the Beast.

Elsewhere in space, Deathbird is talking to an injured Bishop.  She tells him that he has been severely wounded, the X-Men are all dead, and now they will rule the Shi’ar Empire together.  Back on Earth, we find out that the underground caves were below Antarctica, and Nanny has taken the heroes to one of Magneto’s old bases. Rogue isn’t feeling well, and she even takes on the personality of Sabretooth for a moment, yelling at Gambit for working with Essex.  When Rogue doesn’t remember any of this, Gambit tells her she didn’t say anything important.

In a separate room, Joseph is being served by Nanny, but he is still chained up.  The robot insists that he is Magneto, but will not free him.  However she does show him newsfeeds of the Operation Zero Tolerance invasion, as well as images of the other X-Men who were captured by the Sentinels.  When a picture of Moira MacTaggert appears, Joseph feels an unexplainable need for vengeance.

Next we get a page of Archangel and Psylocke returning to Warren’s apartment to find it trashed after events in X-Men #67, which I will get to later.  Psylocke disappears while Archangel looks at some bullet casings. 

In Antarctica, Beast takes a page to reflect on why he shouldn’t date because his lifestyle puts the ones he loves in danger.  He discovers restraints that Magneto trapped the X-Men in from way back in Uncanny #112-113, also Nanny’s first appearance.  It appears that people are sneaking up on Beast, but next issue this is completely forgotten, so just ignore it.

Gambit, Rogue, and the bounty hunters have been chained to stakes in a dungeon.  Gambit demands to know who and why Gambit is being hunted.  Spat responds that he knows why, and he wouldn’t believe who.  Gambit’s memories overtake Rogue; she is caught in a memory where Gambit saved a girl named Sarah, who later grew up to be Marrow.  Rogue forgets the memory as soon as it is over, and Gambit refuses to tell her what it was.  Instead he suggests that this might be their last night alive, and since their powers are negated, they can actually consummate their relationship.

How It Was:  Is it possible to have a story where too much is going on, but not a lot is actually happening?  That’s what this feels like.  There are lots of different scenes, but we don’t learn anything new from most of them.  Beast brooding about his relationship is nothing new, and the scene with Betsy and Warren doesn’t lead to anything until next issue.  There’s a pretty long scene with Nanny mentioning that Joseph might be Magneto (something we already know), and Joseph learning about Operation Zero Tolerance (something we already know).  Plus the sequence where Beast remembers the first Nanny story isn’t important to the plot at all.  Add the five-page non-fight at the beginning of the book, and the continued presence of Spat and Grovel (although Landscape has completely disappeared for no reason; he was so boring the story actually forgot about him), and this is a book that is doing a lot to make me dislike it.

What saves this book, and actually makes it a great deal better than last issue, is the Gambit/Rogue material.  Having Rogue’s memories of Gambit’s actions resurface and having her unable to remember them herself is a neat device, and Gambit’s reactions to them are well handled.  I also like that Gambit decides to ask Rogue to sleep with him, and even better, his motivations for doing this might be a little bit selfish.  Gambit’s guilt and his fear of being discovered are infinitely more compelling than anything else going on in this book at the moment.  Plus I like that it’s done with subtlety; the scene is more effective because we don’t get to see it.  Even with the Rogue/Gambit stuff, I can still only give this a mild recommendation.

C-

X-Men #61

X-Men #61
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Cedric Nocon

What Went Down: Archangel starts off the issue pounding on the door of his penthouse because Psylocke is inside a battling a group of undercloaks-the magic shadow ninjas from back in Uncanny #329. Unable to enter (I guess he forgot his keys?), Warren runs up the stairs to the roof, flies around, and busts through a window to find Betsy calmly sitting by herself. When Warren asks what is going on, Gomurr the Ancient shows up and hints at the cost of resurrecting Psylocke with the Crimson Dawn. This is all set up for a Crimson Dawn mini-series for the couple to star in, so don’t worry too much about it.

Back at the museum, Storm is trying to protect Karima, the orphan who was raised a thief by Storm’s mentor and is presently taped to a pillar. Storm confronts the Shadow King/Jamil and tries to stop him with a blizzard. Candra tries to get to the gem, but the Juggernaut appears, attacking her and Storm. Storm frees Karima and wonders if the appearances of the Shadow King and Juggernaut are somehow tied to Jamil’s powers. Candra and Storm get into a hand-to-hand fight, with Ororo throwing Candra in some rubble. While Storm tries to figure out what is happening, Cable appears and uses the gem to shoot a red ray at Candra. Storm figures out the cause of the manifestations, flies Karima out of the museum, and tells the girl that she has to stop this.

Elsewhere in the city, the X-Men are tracking Storm to help her. Jean uses her powers to hide their appearance from civilians, which causes a debate among the members. Jean turns a corner and everyone disappears, both X-Man and civilian. After three panels, everything returns to normal, with Wolverine asking Jean if there is anything wrong.

Back in the museum, Candra bursts out of the rubble and asks where Jamil has gone. Storm explains that Jamil never existed because Karima is actually a mutant whose power involves pulling desires from people’s minds and making them real; Jamil was actually a desire of Karima’s given form to keep her from being lonely. Candra’s own desire to get the gem was then projected onto Jamil by Karima. Storm throws Candra the gem, but at the last second Cyclops shows up and blasts it, killing Candra. The X-Men comment about how they are always there for each other, and Storm decides that she is going to take Karima home. In an epilogue in Hong Kong, Sebastian Shaw is revealed to be not dead. He makes a toast to his son Shinobi, and then says some cryptic mutterings about his next huge plan.

How It Was: Errr…I hate to be so negative all the time, but this really makes no sense and has no purpose. The cover teases an awesome fight with the Juggernaut, but what we get is a series of illusions that are only around for a page or two each. Candra’s “heart” has gone from her weakness to a typical ultimate power macguffin, and the resolution is super anti-climactic since Storm could have just destroyed the thing last issue and been done with all of it.

Now let’s talk about the M. Night Shyamalan style twist of Jamil not existing. Originally we’re told that Jamil is a mutant who can create illusions. Fair enough. Then we’re told that he might be possessed by the Shadow King, and the gem can enhance his powers. Still good. After that, a bunch of illusions from Storm’s history pop up and attack her. She somehow reasons that it is impossible for Jamil to be able to know these aspects of her history, so instead she figures that it makes more sense that Karima has the power to unconsciously read thoughts and desires from people and make them tangible. Also, Jamil isn’t real, as he was really an embodiment of Karima’s unconscious desire to not be alone. My question is, how is this the more likely scenario than a mutant who can create illusions screwing with a person with aspects of their past? Especially with an overpowered magic gem, shouldn’t this be well within the realm of possibilities in the X-Men’s lives?

Still, the twist might have been enough if we actually cared about any of the characters at all. Even Candra has little to no motivation; why did she put her heart in a jewel in the first place and what is she going to do if she gets it back under her control? On top of that, at the end Storm decides it is best to return Karima to her life as a struggling orphan thief in Africa by herself, as opposed to say taking her back to their mansion so she can learn how to use her insanely powerful mutant abilities. So there you have it, even Storm doesn’t care enough about Karima as a character to do the right thing by her.

As for the rest of the plotlines, the two-page spread of Psylocke fighting ghost ninjas looks pretty cool, but the stuff with the Crimson Dawn still isn’t interesting at all. And in what I assume is yet another forgotten plotline to add to the list, Jean Grey sees everybody in New York disappear for no reason. Sebastian Shaw is back, not that we really missed him all that much. While he is a much better character than his son Shinobi, Sebastian doesn’t really get any good plots in the modern age of comics that I can think of off the top of my head. But more on that in the coming issues of X-Men.

This story was probably the biggest misfire yet. I like the idea of putting the spotlight on Storm, but a boring villain, uninteresting supporting characters, and unnecessary plot twists make this one pretty forgettable. This is the type of comic that shows how diehard an X-fan is if they owned it and stuck with the series after reading it.

F

Uncanny X-Men #338

Uncanny X-Men #338
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Joe Madureira and Salvador Larroca

What Went Down: Archangel is laid up in the fetal position on the floor in pain. He is visited by Ozymandias, servant of Apocalypse. Ozymandias explains that Warren’s transformation into Archangel was only the beginning of Apocalypse’s greater plan. As Warren screams, his metal wings shatter, revealing his original organic feather wings.

In the Danger Room the X-Men are running tests on Joseph that involve measuring his responses to a simulation of the original X-Men battling Magneto. Joseph is taken aback by the old Magneto’s anger, but he has no connection to it, just emptiness. Jean takes this as a good sign, but Joseph worries that he may repeat his sins if he cannot remember them. Joseph asks Scott and Jean why the X-Men have taken him in after he has spent so many years trying to kill them as Magneto. Gambit and Jean explain that Xavier instilled in them the belief that no one is beyond redemption.

Psylocke takes the time to show up by teleporting through the shadows. Since she’s never done this before, all of the other X-Men are surprised, but she doesn’t seem to understand. She tells the X-Men that Archangel is missing and shows them one of the feathers that she found.

Warren finds himself drawn to a church in Brooklyn for reasons beyond his understanding. Inside the church, the Legacy-infected Pyro is in a confessional talking to a priest about needing to warn someone about a mysterious woman.

At a Graydon Creed rally in San Diego, Iceman, aka Robert Drake, has infiltrated Creed’s staff under the alias…sigh, Drake Roberts. He encounters J.Jonah Jameson of the Daily Bugle who tells him off for having his candidate prey on people’s fears and prejudices for votes. Drake is suitably impressed with Jameson and runs into another campaign employee, Carly Alverez. She introduces Iceman to Samson Guthry, who is really the X-Man Cannonball aka Sam Guthrie…groan.

The X-Men are assembled in the Blackbird on their way to help Warren, who bursts out of the now-flaming church’s window carrying the priest. His wings surprise all the X-Men, but they don’t have time to question him. Pyro has lost control of his powers because of the Legacy Virus. Joseph uses his powers to restrain Pyro in metal, and threatens to crush him if he does not stop. Wolverine scolds Joseph for threatening someone with a terminal disease. Pyro tries to explain about a group that has big plans, but the ground sucks him up, most probably because of the mutant Avalanche. The X-Men ponder Pyro’s fate, and the priest chimes in that he has finally found peace. Archangel worries about why he has his old wings back and how this plays into Apocalypse’s plans.

How It Was: Tell me if you’re sick of having me write this, but here we have another potentially interesting plotline that gets all but abandoned completely. I can respect that Lobdell is trying to do something different with a character that hasn’t had the spotlight all that much. Going off the setup from the end of Onslaught of a potential Apocalypse story, this seemed at the time that it might be going somewhere pretty good. But it doesn’t, and the plot point is all but dropped until the 2000s in the new X-Force series. Oh well. The overt symbolism of the church doesn’t really help matters that much; we get it, he’s an angel, he’s reborn, yadda yadda yadda. But there is an interesting bit with Pyro that sets up some future storylines…in X-Factor. Yes this a period of time where events were happening in the completely wrong X-books, as if you couldn’t tell by stories like the Beast being rescued in X-Factor during Onslaught.

Speaking of which, the Graydon Creed subplot has taken a turn for the stupid with Iceman and Cannonball infiltrating under the stupidest aliases in comics’ history. Spider-Man’s Jameson is still hanging around for some reason decrying the tactics of Graydon Creed. I get that Jameson’s character is supposed to have a lot of integrity when he’s not dealing with his most-hated Spider-Man, but is he really the right choice to be preaching for tolerance and open-mindedness? Also, it’s a little vague what Cannonball and Iceman are supposed to be doing. Are they protecting Creed, trying to dig up dirt, sabotaging the campaign? They just don’t seem to have any purpose. And I’m pretty sure that the X-Men already know that Graydon Creed is the son of Sabretooth and Mystique, so isn’t it about time to start making that information known?

The fight with Pyro is okay, if brief. I like that Joseph uses less than kosher methods to get Pyro to stop, even if he was bluffing, but it feels really out of character for Wolverine to be the one chastising him. Psylocke’s new powers are well-handled, but the thought of more changes to Psylocke makes me want to jump off a bridge; I’m not excited for this at all. This is a really great issue for Joseph and the rest of the X-Men as far as building him up as a believable member of the team. While Rogue’s absence is strange, I like seeing him interact with the other members, and it is interesting to see him interact with his own dark history. This is par for the course for a Scott Lobdell comic; the character work is great, but the plot structure leaves a lot to be desired as most of it goes nowhere or becomes forgotten.

B-

Uncanny X-Men #334

Uncanny X-Men #344
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Joe Madureira

What Went Down: Juggernaut emerges from a lake near the Xavier Institute. He swims underwater again and takes out some cameras. Up in the actual mansion, Bishop is trying to fix Cerebro after it overloaded in X-Men #51. He recognizes the technology from his time, but wonders what happened to stunt technology development to such a degree, which doesn’t make sense since Cerebro is obviously far more advanced than any other computer of its time. Gambit pops in, and Bishop calls him Remy for the first time. They discuss how Sinister’s attack in X-Men #52 reassured Bishop that he wasn’t crazy, and then an intruder alarm goes off, so they go to check it out.

Cyclops is in the Danger Room, shooting a bunch of drones. Jean bursts in, telling him they need to talk. She tells him about Onslaught’s attack on her, and that as time passes she remembers less and less. When Scott suggests going to Xavier, she becomes scared and tells him to wait. In Colorado, Archangel is trying to contact the mansion, but having no luck. This is odd, since Juggernaut destroyed his home last month in X-Men #53, so it’s probably a mistake on the writers’ parts. Psylocke is also unable to contact them with her telepathy, but she says it might be due to the Crimson Dawn. They decide to go to Westchester.

In Xavier’s study, Cannonball is telling the Professor how he feels guilty for not preventing Wolverine’s transformation in Wolverine #100. Xavier overreacts, yells at the youth for being so weak, and dismisses him.

Bishop and Gambit take a water skimmer out to the lake to find the disturbance. The Juggernaut attacks and knocks them both out. In Beast’s lab, the Dark Beast is examining Wolverine while Iceman and Storm watch. Dark Beast points out the ludicrousness of his counterpart's role in the X-Men, wondering how many scientific duties he was asked to perform at a given time. Wolverine breaks free of the restraints and runs off. Storm goes after him, but she is interrupted by Cannonball, who wants to talk about the Professor.

Bastion shows up backstage at a Graydon Creed rally and tells him off for stupidly attacking Senator Kelly last issue. Jean goes into the lake house, but discovers Gambit and Bishop unconscious on the floor. Juggernaut appears and tells her he’s not there to fight. He asks for Jean’s help because he knows Onslaught’s identity, but he can’t remember it. As a sign of good faith, he removes his helmet.

In the War Room, Xavier is going over files on the Age of Apocalypse’s Nate Grey, who attacked him in X-Man #10—a quote/unquote pivotal battle. Cyclops shows up because Xavier sent for him, and Xavier proceeds to tell him how big of a disappointment he is. He then tells Scott to stay strong, and reveals himself to be a telepathic projection. On the comlink, Xavier tells him that this was a test.

Jean takes Juggernaut to an underground, psi-shielded chamber that Xavier used to prepare for the Z’nox Invasion, back when he faked his own death.

The issue concludes by announcing that X-Men #54 will reveal the identity of Onslaught, but you’ve probably already figured it out from the previous page. There’s also a section recapping all of the previous mentions of Onslaught from the other X-Books, even though next month they’ll all be made trivial.

How It Was: This marks pretty much the height of the Bishop/Gambit bromance. After Onslaught, Gambit moves onto a love triangle with Rogue and Joseph while Bishop does nothing for a while before being blasted into space…seriously. But it has been kind of nice seeing the former enemies’ friendship grow, even if its sole purpose is to make the X-traitor subplot relevant again for the big reveal during Onslaught. Sure, having Bishop call Gambit “Remy” is a little sappy, but for what it is it works. And it means that Bishop will finally stop whining about his visions and dreams from another world. Unlike last time, the Juggernaut gets to show off his power by easily overpowering the X-Men and not acting like a hysterical girl, as he did in Uncanny #322.

Lobdell and Waid must have gone through all the original X-Men issues looking for ideas, because this issue brings us a plot device from the long, long forgotten Z’nox plotline of Uncanny #65. Once again while it is a neat little Easter egg for diehard fans, I doubt many people remembered, or even were familiar with, this obscure nod to the sixties. What’s really great is seeing Jean take such an active role in the series after being Cyclops’ partner for so long. Her conflict over whether to trust Xavier is very well handled. There is definitely a feeling of intensity, even now, in her scenes with Juggernaut as she worries about Onslaught discovering them.

However, the mystery is pretty much ruined by the fact that the writers have dropped almost all pretenses to the fact that Xavier is Onslaught. I guess his lashing out could be viewed potentially as Onslaught just manipulating him, but I think it’s pretty clear with the way he handles Cannonball at his desk that he’s being set up as a bad guy in all of this. Oh, and even though I’m really starting to dislike Dark Beast’s plot, I love how he points out how many jobs the real Beast does for the X-Men; he’s a biologist, chemist, medical doctor, virologist, mechanic, and physicist whenever the story necessitates it.

The fact that Archangel and Psylocke are fine in Warren’s house in Colorado is a pretty glaring error. On top of that, the narrative is still talking about Warren’s wing injuries, which is really getting old. And Psylocke is already starting to blame plot mechanics on the plot device that is the Crimson Dawn, a bad trend that just gets worse from here on out. Betsy’s acting weird? Crimson Dawn. She’s got new powers that are necessary for the plot to move on? Crimson Dawn? She can’t do something she normally does? It’s probably the Crimson Dawn. On the other hand, having Bastion call Graydon Creed out for being a moron is pretty entertaining to read.

Overall, the middle chapter in the Onslaught setup trilogy proves to be uneven. The mystery of Onslaught’s identity almost seems futile at this point due to the writing, and Psylocke and Archangel’s participation seems peripheral at best. Some decent character moments make this a little above mediocre, and it does set up everything nicely for the finale, anticlimactic as it is.

C+

X-Men #53

X-Men #53
Writing: Mark Waid
Art: Andy Kubert

Note: See X-Men Unlimited #11 next

What Went Down: Jean Grey is out shopping for clothes. She seems to be having difficulty keeping people’s thoughts out of her mind when she is telepathically forced to the astral plane by Onslaught, who now has an actual character design. Onslaught claims that he’s ushering in a flashpoint in human-mutant relations and shows Jean that her body has also disappeared from the store. Many of the people have unflattering thoughts about her. Onslaught appears to destroy the store, but reveals it as an illusion in the next panel.

In New Jersey, the real Beast is being held in a dungeon by the Dark Beast. Beast accidentally breaks his water source, but this reveals a trap door in the floor. Onslaught takes Jean to Graydon Creed’s campaign headquarters to reveal the hypocrisy of humanity. We discover that Creed’s campaign manager doesn’t really care about the anti-mutant cause, but that he is willing to persecute the mutant race just for a chance to get to the White House. Jean tells Onslaught she’s aware of people like this, which is why she surrounds herself with people she can trust.

In Colorado, Psylocke is in bed, still screaming as a result of the shadows around her. From the shadows, the Juggernaut emerges (I believe this is his return from the Malibu Exiles’ universe). Juggy wonders where he is. Strangely, Betsy says she scanned his mind even though his helmet is still on. Juggernaut announces that he knows an important secret, but he can’t remember it, so he destroys the cabin instead. Then he begins his journey to Westchester because he says he can only trust one person with his mind.

Onslaught takes Jean to the X-mansion, where they journey inside Xavier’s mind effortlessly. Onslaught accuses Xavier of being just as big a hypocrite as the rest of the humans. Jean claims they have a special bond, citing the instance in the sixties where Xavier faked his death, but shared his secret with only her. Onslaught shakes her image of Xavier by showing her Xavier’s thoughts from Uncanny X-Men #3 (1963), where a thought balloon actually did mention that Xavier was in love with Jean. Onslaught infers that Xavier just repressed this feeling like every other negative emotion he has. On the astral plane, Onslaught covers Jean in green slime to symbolize all of Xavier’s fears and negative feelings.

Over in South Carolina, Joseph—the de-aged, former Magneto, has stumbled upon a community picnic outside. They seem friendly, but there is a sinister undertone to the whole scene.

Back on the astral plane, Onslaught compares himself to the Phoenix Force and asks Jean to join him. Jean refuses, and they fight. Jean asks who he is, but he tells her that she already knows before soundly defeating her. She reappears in the dressing room at the store, and the final page has an effect of Onslaught’s name being burned onto her head, but this isn’t supposed to be literal.

How It Was: This is our first real look at Onslaught, since the X-staff finally decided on what the heck he actually is. It’s a pretty cool design, and Waid succeeds in making Onslaught appear menacing and calculating. At this point, the villain still feels like he actually has a purpose beyond being evil. Here he’s someone I want to read more about.

Jean Grey is a good choice for him to reveal himself to because she hasn’t really had that much to do since before Age of Apocalypse. This issue is solid, although there are some inconsistencies in the story: we never find out why Jean’s body disappears when she goes to the astral plane, and we don’t know why the racist blond cashier knows that Jean is from the Xavier Institute. Still Onslaught does make an interesting case for the weakness of people by bringing up how what they do and how they feel are often in direct conflict with one and other. Not all his examples are super—I feel like the employees are allowed to assume Jean is a shoplifter if she disappears from the store, but the theme of the story is still solid. Also, I’m not sure what is up with Onslaught’s name being burned into Jean’s head; I think it’s a figurative way of showing how Onslaught messed with her head, possibly also explaining how she starts to forget events later.

And Onslaught also has a good point in bringing up that Xavier is as fallible as anyone else, despite being placed on a pedestal by the X-Men. Once again, while the main idea is intriguing, the examples given are kind of weak. Jean seems convinced that since Xavier told her about his fake death, it doesn’t make him a hypocrite, when really it makes both of them hypocrites for hiding this fact from the rest of their teammates. Waid also digs up an obscure quote from 1963 that paints Xavier in a more lecherous light. Yes, it did happen, but it’s obvious that Stan Lee dropped the concept shortly after because even he realized that it was a little creepy. Plus there are more contemporary examples that could’ve been used instead of dragging out this oddity that really has no bearing on the Professor’s character at all.

The Psylocke/Archangel thread is still a mess, but at least something happens. Juggernaut shows up, appearing from shadows for some reason, and trashes Warren’s cabin for the heck of it, in spite of the fact that he wants help from the X-Men. Worst of all, Warren’s cabin appears perfectly fine in the next issue of Uncanny, even though the entire cabin is clearly totaled in this comic. This whole part really makes no sense whatsoever. As for the Beast, it’s nice to see him alive, but he doesn’t get a whole lot to do other than stumble onto a way out that goes nowhere (plotwise). Joseph shows up just long enough to tease his appearance in X-Men Unlimited, where, in a heck of a coincidence, he meets up with Rogue, who just happens to be in the same small town in South Carolina as he is.

The main ideas in this issue work really well, and Onslaught is just new enough to seem novel. It’s just in the little details and subplots where the issue drops the ball. It’s nice that Waid is trying to make use of continuity, but by picking something that so few writers have chosen to acknowledge, the reveal doesn’t really carry as much weight; his experiences with Amelia Voght would have fit in nicely. Still, this is the best that Onslaught ever comes off, so that is an accomplishment in it of itself.

B

Uncanny X-Men #331

Uncanny X-Men #331
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Bryan Hitch

What Went Down: We open on the members of X-Force (they’re still living at the mansion?) searching through debris in the middle of a laboratory fire. They are looking for the Beast, but unbeknownst to them, the X-Men’s Beast has been replaced by the Dark Beast from the Age of the Apocalypse, and the fire is being used to cover any differences in his personality. Shatterstar does note that he sounds different, and he is vehement about not going down to the medical station, but nobody questions him.

In her New York apartment, Emma Frost discovers that Iceman has filled her private office with ice. He demands that she sit down to talk. In Colorado, Gambit and Bishop are standing outside, and Bishop tells the story of the first time he saw trees. Inside Xavier wonders about these two X-Men, and why there are so many mysteries about them. Archangel tells the Professor that he’s not returning to Westchester so he and Betsy can recover from their injuries.

Iceman demands that Emma help him master his powers so he can heal the chunk missing from his chest. When she refuses, he starts by freezing the blood flow to her brain. Elsewhere, Scott and Jean have managed to locate the place where the X-Men were brought in X-Men #50. Unfortunately there is a huge crater where the forest should be, and there is absolutely no evidence of Onslaught whatsoever.

Outside Emma’s office, Jubilee and Banshee notice all of the ice forming. Jubilee asks if they should get involved, but Banshee thinks it best for them to resolve it themselves. Bobby shackles Emma with ice, but she continues to taunt him. Using her telepathy, Emma makes Bobby’s father, his ex-girlfriend Opal, and the Beast appear to distract and frustrate him. Iceman explains these illusions can’t work because he is confident in who he is, so Emma tells him to just change back to human form.

Iceman changes back to human form without dying, and Emma apologizes for messing with Bobby. She explains that she felt guilty about the Hellions’ deaths, and it angered her to see him squander his powers when her students weren’t alive to enjoy theirs.

How It Was: This finally resolves the multi-years long arc of Iceman’s frustration with his powers. After this issue, we no longer see him asking people if they consider him a loser or whining about how much he’s wasted his potential. And that in it of itself is very nice. It’s a very roundabout way of doing it, by having Lobdell rehash every Bobby character and relationship beat for the last three years, but the important thing is that it is finally done, and Bobby can move on. I do like how Iceman just gets fed up after receiving his potentially life altering wound, and it’s been a while since we’ve seen Bobby stand up for himself. I don’t quite buy Emma’s excuse for messing with Bobby tying into the deaths of the Hellions; this seems to be Lobdell’s way of writing it off while making her look sympathetic, instead of looking like the manipulative ball buster she should be.

The sequence with Archangel telling Xavier that he’s taking a break is far too drawn out and melodramatic for its own good. It seems unnecessary for Xavier to question Gambit and Bishop’s loyalty, and Warren comes out of left field by accusing Xavier of being manipulative. Although this turns out to be retroactively accurate due to Xavier being Onslaught, without that context it feels forced. Gambit and Bishop yet again pay lipservice to the traitor storyline because that’s being resolved soon. And the “clues” about Onslaught’s power that Scott and Jean discover are completely inconsequential, so you can forget them.

This issue is nothing spectacular, but parts of it do work well. Plus there are some great scenes with Emma verbally abusing Iceman which are a lot of fun.

C+

Uncanny X-Men #330

Uncanny X-Men #330
Writing: Scott Lobdell and Jeph Loeb
Art: Joe Madureira

What Went Down: Archangel (now dressed in a kimono) and Wolverine (now dressed in a see-through mesh shirt!?) are being led to a secret, sacred area by Gomurr. The costumes are necessary because of tradition for something. Inside the building there are lots of dragon decorations and shadow ninja demons. Dr. Strange teleports in and Wolverine appears to stab him, but really he is attacking a ninja demon behind him. The demons are called undercloaks, and a big fight ensues with them.

At the Xavier Estate, Gambit is watching over the unconscious Psylocke, thinking about how she might know his secret. When Psylocke starts seizing, Gambit briefly considers letting her die to ensure his secret, but ultimately ends up calling Beast to help her because he is a hero.

Meanwhile, our heroes appear to be descending into what looks to be hell. Archangel is struggling because of his injury, and Dr. Strange suggests that he should go back. Warren refuses. The heroes come upon Tar, the Proctor of the Crimson Dawn. Tar already knows what they want, and Wolverine is ready to start a fight, but Gomurr stops him and instead tries asking for it. Tar appears to kill Gomurr, and another fight ensues.

Back at the mansion, Beast and Xavier are doing their best to save Betsy. While Wolverine attacks Tar, Dr. Strange shows Archangel a big glowing ball; the ball shows them that Betsy is about to die. Dr. Strange reaches into Archangel and pulls out a statue of Psylocke that is supposed to be, I kid you not, “the part of her soul that she has trusted to Warren.” Strange puts the statue in the glowing ball, and at the mansion Psylocke is bombarded by a red light that brings her back to life. Wolverine, Strange, and Warren are kicked out of the dimension, and Gomurr materializes to show that he is not dead. Strange remarks in his head that even though they won, the battle for Psylocke’s soul has only just begun.

How It Was: The first half of this issue is a very slight improvement over last issue. While most of the dialogue is still exposition, the mystical characters are given some humorous lines, like Gomurr’s explanation of how one becomes ‘Gomurr the Ancient’ or Tar’s exclamation “and people call me unstable” when he sees Wolverine fighting. And Gambit gets some nice moments where he is conflicted about Psylocke’s death because he doesn’t want the other X-Men to discover his secret.

Still the rest of the story is pretty weak, as is some of the dialogue; Beast tells Gambit that he is going to try his “gosh darndest” to save Betsy. Who would say that? Xavier’s dialogue is no better as he proceeds to dump a bunch of unnecessary exposition about Psylocke’s past injuries while he is trying to save her. Plus the sequence where Dr. Strange talks about the part of Betsy’s soul that she gave to Warren is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read in a comic book. Although both Loeb and Lobdell are credited as writers, I feel like it is safe to say that the dialogue was probably mostly Loeb’s responsibility, for better or worse.

Also, there’s still the problem that this still feels like a stock plot that you could plug any Marvel characters into. I can’t say that I really care about any of the new characters introduced in the story, and the story itself doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Why is the doorway to hell in a Chinese New Year decoration warehouse? Why is Wolverine wearing a see-through mesh shirt? Why is Dr. Strange here when Gomurr is perfectly capable of supplying all of the exposition? And don’t get me started on the weak attempt at conflict in the middle of the issue when Dr. Strange starts an argument over Archangel’s health.

So there’s not a lot to recommend in this issue, unless you’re a fan of super heroes in stories about magical macguffins that don’t fit the tone of the series.

D-