Uncanny X-Men #345

Uncanny X-Men #345
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Joe Madureira and Melvin Rubi

What Went Down: This issue is broken into two parts, conveniently dividing up where the artists shift. The first part begins with Sister Maria, the nun who discovered Joseph, running from her crashed car. Get this…she is being chased by a cyborg gorilla. No, really. The Sister hits the gorilla with a rock, but it continues to come after her, asking about the man she nursed to health. Just as the gorilla is about to get her, two giant slugs appear and eat through the bad guy’s chest. The mutant Maggott shows up and asks about her friend Joseph.

On Chandrila, Lilandra looks out over her ruined planet and feels sad. She wonders if this is some kind of karmic payback for her war with the Kree in the Avengers books. She thinks of Charles Xavier, and is thankful that his X-Men were able to save her Empire.

Later that night, the Shi’ar hold a banquet in honor of the dead. Joseph finds the party vulgar, but Rogue explains that different people have different ways of moving on. Rogue worries that Joseph might be turning back into Magneto, so she promises to tell him everything about the man he used to be. Elsewhere, Gambit is outside digging graves for the dead Shi’ar. The whole time he keeps apologizing for something he did when he was younger.

Back at the banquet, Beast asks Trish if she wants to get back together. Trish worries that their relationship will have the same problems it always does, but when she returns to her room, she realizes she is in love with him nonetheless.

The next day the X-Men and Trish board a Shi’ar vessel that will take them back to Earth. Lilandra demonstrates her gratitude to the X-Men by leaving one of their greatest enemies, Deathbird, in charge of the trip.

Part 2 starts with Bishop reading up on Shi’ar history. Deathbird surprises him in her evening robe, and he tries to ask her questions about her history. Deathbird is impressed that he could read the texts because they are in Shi’ar, but she dismisses the texts as a sordid manufactured history designed to make her an outcast. Bishop mentions that her true name was banned from the language when she throws the pad into the fire. Bishop tells her that she shouldn’t forget her past if she doesn’t want to repeat it.

Their argument is interrupted by a “swoosh” noise. Going to the cockpit, the X-Men discover that a giant warship is passing them at twice their speed on the way to Earth. As the X-Men’s ship tries to make it to the stargate, it is caught in the larger ship’s wake and begins to break up.

How It Was: Even though it wasn’t a major crossover, Lobdell does another—actually his last—quiet, contemplative character issue. It’s not his best, but it still manages some great material for Bishop and Deathbird, Lilandra, and Joseph and Rogue. Beast and Trish’s scene has me confused because I was under the impression that they were already back together, hence the dinner date on Christmas Eve in Uncanny #341. As for Gambit, remember all that hemming and hawing over Gambit working for Sinister back in X-Men #45…almost two years prior to this point. Yeah, well Lobdell is finally getting around to it, but it’s still six issues away.

Then there is the surreal opening where Sister Maria is being chased by and evil robo-monkey. This scene almost defies explanation, and I don’t think it serves any other purpose than introducing Maggott and setting up that he’s looking for Magneto. Maggott is not too interesting a character, at least not until Joe Kelly and Steven Seagle get their collective writing hands on him and turn him into a really amusing character to have around.

The end of the issue is quite jarring and the art isn’t very clear on what the heck is happening. It looks like the big ship makes it to the stargate first, then the X-Men talk about the gate being down, then their ship starts to break up on the last page. I’m not sure if they were attacked or if it has something to do with the gate, but the art is not helping here. Also, Beast looks a little like a donkey in the second part of the story… just saying. And it’s sort of disappointing that Joe Mad can only get half an issue done this month, although he does have a double sized issue #350 coming up.

This issue is nothing to write home about. It introduces a character that most people don’t remember, and it wraps up a space story that was pretty forgettable. Yes we have the Gambit revelation on the horizon, but other than that this book doesn’t have a lot going for it at this point.

C+

Uncanny X-Men #344

Uncanny X-Men #344
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Melvin Rubi

What Went Down: Gambit is narrating this time around, and we enter on a badly beaten and tortured Empress Lilandra being held captive by the Phalanx while her servants are being killed and assimilated. The X-Men watch in the shadows as they finalize their plan. Deathbird explains that the only reason Lilandra would surrender would be if the Phalanx had infiltrated the Shi’ar nurseries, where their offspring are held. Rogue, who has become de facto leader, sends Deathbird and Bishop to protect the nurseries. Deathbird thanks all of them.

On Earth, Senator Kelly and Henry Peter Gyrich meet in the Hulkbuster base that now houses Zero Tolerance. Kelly discusses his hesitancy to trust Bastion, even though Kelly himself has lobbied for years about the importance of safeguarding humans from mutants. Bastion apparently also has a number of people in the government sympathetic to his cause, and Kelly blames himself for blazing a trail that might end in genocide.

Bishop and Deathbird make it to the Shi’ar nest. Bishop comments on how admirable it is that Deathbird would seek to protect the innocent, and Deathbird explains that even though she thinks she should rule, she still cares about her people. Bishop explains his history to Deathbird. Then she falls over due to her previous injuries. Bishop worries that she has been attacked, but the injuries are hours old—even though last issue said it had been a week since they found her. Still, Deathbird insists on standing and fighting, even if she is going to bleed to death, impressing Bishop.

Back with the main group, Joseph is overwhelmed with grief for the slaughtered Shi’ar. Even though he can’t remember his past, he starts to have flashbacks of the Nazi concentration camps that he was a prisoner in. Gambit tries to talk to him and tells him to turn his emotions off for now, so Beast’s plan can work. While Joseph continues to watch the slaughter, Beast explains that he is rigging the Shi’ar computer to produce a frequency to separate the technological and organic aspects of the Phalanx.

Beast needs five more minutes to complete his machine, but Joseph can’t take it and attacks the Phalanx. The X-Men have no choice but to back him up while Beast finishes. Joseph saves Lilandra, and remembers that once he had vowed to never again let such atrocities occur. Meanwhile, Bishop and Deathbird fight off more aliens and comment on how impressive thy each are. As the Phalanx start to counter the X-Men’s powers, Beast throws the switch. Just when the X-Men are about to be overwhelmed, all of the Phalanx start to die. Trish Tilby cheers that they won against such impossible odds, but Gambit, worried about Joseph potentially turning evil again, claims that it doesn’t feel like a victory.

How It Was: After setting up impossible odds and a potentially epic intergalactic war to be fought, Lobdell has the Beast build a machine that just kills all the bad guys automatically. That is what I would call the definition of anti-climactic. At the very least you could have the X-Men penetrate a base to find some core or prime Phalanx that needs to be destroyed, but no, Beast just flips a switch and the X-Men win. Couldn’t the supposedly more advanced Shi’ar with their interstellar space travel and superior technology figure this out on their own?

Joseph’s reaction to the Phalanx atrocities makes up for the ending a little bit. Up until now, Joseph has been squarely on the side of the X-Men. He may’ve felt guilty about his past, but it was always clear that he was trying to be an X-Man. Here we see the old Magneto resurface, and it is a welcome sight. The tease that Joseph may yet become Magneto again is a good one, even though it is strange that Gambit is the only one who acknowledges it. However, it is annoying that Joseph has to attack the bad guys with five minutes to spare. It feels like an artificial conflict because nothing the X-Men do really matters, other than the Beast. There’s no tension at all because we all know how it’s going to end.

The Bishop/Deathbird sequences are a little more heavy-handed then they were last issue, but I still think it’s a good match, even if Lobdell has to retcon Deathbird’s past and motivations just a bit. The ending is just weird with Trish Tilby doing cheerleader poses and laughing at the victory while everyone else looks dour and somber about the thousands of dead Shi’ar; for a reporter, she is godawful at reading the climate of a room and reacting with appropriate social responses.

Joe Mad continues his sketchy grasp on deadlines as Melvin Rubi is brought in, as well as four different inkers. The art’s okay, except some of the expressions and poses aren’t really appropriate for the scenes, such as the aforementioned Trish Tilby cheer. Conversely, the two-page spread of the Imperial hall being attacked looks fantastic, as does the Shi’ar nursery.

This is a hugely underwhelming end to a story that didn’t even have a lot to do with the X-Men. The threat that was initially sold to the readers involved the fate of the universe, but it was all undone by a machine programmed by the Beast. Other than a very few moments for the X-Men, and the beginnings of the Bishop/Deathbird romance, this plot doesn’t even involve the X-Men all that much, and Trish Tilby has absolutely nothing to do. This definitely doesn’t stand up to X-Men space operas like the original Phoenix Saga, or any of the stories with the Starjammers. This just doesn’t have that many fun or interesting ideas, and the villains are just dull and one-dimensional. Definitely not what I’d call a classic.

D+

Uncanny X-Men #343

Uncanny X-Men #343
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Joe Madureira

What Went Down: Through narration boxes, the Beast explains that the X-Men have been in space for about a week, and Deathbird has been in a coma within one of the ship’s med-stations. Deathbird wakes up while Beast and Bishop are discussing her survival. Bishop accuses her of somehow being responsible for her ship’s massacre, which earns him a slap from the villain. Gambit and Joseph show up after their search for more survivors. Deathbird steals Bishop’s gun and shoots Joseph and Gambit… only they were actually members of the Phalanx disguised as the X-Men. Bishop helps finish them off, and Deathbird explains that humans have a specific smell that Shi’ar can detect.

Below in the ship, Gambit and Joseph have been taken captive by the new and improved black Phalanx, in case you couldn’t tell from the cover. Rogue attacks the group, but she is slowly overwhelmed. Just as she is about to be absorbed by the Phalanx, she proclaims her love for Gambit. Gambit is behind her, rescues her, and blows up the remaining Phalanx. While Rogue was being assimilated, she caught a glimpse of Chandilar, homeworld of the Shi’ar; she also learned the Phalanx’s plot, which includes taking over Earth.

Speaking of Earth, Bastion is continuing his preparations for Operation: Zero Tolerance. We see that he has recently captured Jubilee in Generation X #25 and plans on interrogating/torturing her.

Meanwhile, the X-Men plan to get on Chandilar by tricking the Phalanx into attacking their ship and blowing it up while they float to a mining planet in an escape pod among the debris. Deathbird is quite rude to Bishop, threatening his life as he secures her in the pod. After the Phalanx blow up the ship, Joseph navigates the pod through the metal that Beast welded to the alien vehicle. The mining planet turns out to be one of Deathbird’s old bases. Many of the X-Men voice their suspicions about Deathbird’s loyalties as they all get on a transporter to save Chandilar and the Shi’ar.

How It Was: This is a definite step back up storywise, although not quite to the heights of #341. The story does have some great moments; the revelation of the Phalanx as X-Men imposters works rather well, despite the fact that it is ruined on the cover. And I have to say that I genuinely like the Deathbird/Bishop relationship, even if it is only in its beginning stages here. It’s a nice idea to have Bishop find a kindred spirit in a hardened warrior with a harsher code of ethics than the X-Men are used to, just as he was when he started on the team. Rogue’s fight with the Phalanx is also particularly brutal; it’s impressive to see her tearing off limbs and fighting all out, even if her proclamation of love feels a little forced.

Where the issue fails is that in spite of their shiny black makeover, the Phalanx are still as dull as they were the last time they appeared in this title. And after the very first sequence, they abandon any of the shapeshifting subterfuge for the dull assimilation and compensation of powers. Having the villains able to negate mutant powers seems unnecessary since they already outnumber the heroes by quite a bit. It also never made sense how the aliens had the ability to stop powers, but not absorb them.

Joe Mad is drawing some very impressive spaceships, stellar bodies, and space debris. The art is really the highlight, despite the stupid costume designs. Even with the art, this is still just a slow middle chapter with not much for the characters to do. While very cool looking, the villains just aren’t compelling at all, and the threat just doesn’t seem big enough.

C