Pizza Hut Giveaway: X-Men #4

Pizza Hut Giveaway: X-Men #4
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Mike Harris

What Went Down: In view of the fact that all of the other X-Men have been the focus of an issue, this issue spotlights the final three: Bishop, Cyclops, and Jean Grey. Using some crazy machine, Bishop and Cyclops are planning to enter cyberspace to purge the virus from the computer. Jean is serving as a kind of anchor for them, which means that she doesn’t do anything in this issue except lay there and moan in pain the whole time. Cue another clunky description of the previous issues, and Cyclops and Bishop are ready to go.

In case you didn’t know, cyberspace is a yellow space with red lines where all the people are colored green. As Cyclops and Bishop explore the area, the terrain transforms into the head of the villain Arcade, leading us to believe that he is behind the Cerebro virus. In the physical realm, the computer Jean is strapped into starts to attack her. Wolverine wants to cut her loose, but Storm prevents him because if the connection is severed, it could kill all three X-Men.

Arcade creates “icons” of all the X-Men that are not in cyberspace out of the yellow and red lined environment. The evil X-Men attack Cyclops and Bishop. In a really lame scene, Bishop gets excited about finally having an opportunity to use his guns, but then he is attacked before he gets the chance to use them. Cyclops shoots a bunch of the icons with his optic blasts.

Arcade announces that even if they defeat the evil X-Men, Cyclops and Bishop will still have to face an endless stream of icons based on the X-Men’s other allies and villains. Cyclops and Bishop reveal that Bishop has been supercharged with energy from the battle with the evil X-Men icons, and he uses that energy to destroy Arcade and all of the other icons. Jean Grey is shown in the real world smiling because the villain of the story has been revealed, and it wasn’t really Arcade.

And now, for the twist ending of the X-Men/Pizza Hut promotional, the mystery villain was… Professor X! GASP! It turns out that there was no virus in Cerebro, and Xavier was using this lie as an opportunity to create situations that would test his X-Men’s abilities, since they do live in a school, and he is still a teacher. If you’re wondering where Sabretooth, Sauron, and Magneto came into this plan, well it just turns out that their appearances were unhappy coincidences that Xavier couldn’t possibly foresee. Instead of being angry that Xavier has wasted all of their time and put all their lives in jeopardy, the X-Men seem proud that they have passed the test. Then Jubilee suggests pizza, in a meta-fictional shout out to the entire purpose of the story. Profound.

How It Was: Well if you hadn’t guessed it from all the final panels that showed a Xavier shaped shadow monitoring the X-Men, this issue is something of an enormous let down. Not just for the ending, mind you, but for the entire issue in general. Where to begin?

Well cyberspace is probably the ugliest location that I’ve ever seen in a comic book. Even if you can ignore the hideous green and yellow color palette, there is still the basic fact that the X-Men are entering cyberspace; apparently Lobdell thought the best way to end his introduction for new readers was with a Tron homage. Also it is really disappointing that Jean Grey doesn’t get anything interesting to do for the entire story since the narrative is designed to show how each X-Man can be cool and likable. This issue is probably the heaviest on the exposition since the first issue; the X-Men have to explain cyberspace, Bishop essentially repeats his treatise on why Cerebro is so important, and Jubilee and Beast recap the previous issues in a totally forced manner. Add on the fact that the final fight is with evil, and ugly looking, X-Men clones, and the fact that the fight is resolved because the bad guy didn’t understand how Bishop’s powers work when he definitely should, and this entire plot comes off as bad.

But let’s look a little harder at the twist ending of Xavier being the mastermind, and why this reveal doesn’t work whatsoever. First we are to believe that Xavier would potentially kill his students all in the name of a training exercise. Now one might bring up the existence of the Danger Room to validate this story, but the Danger Room has safeguards built into it; it can be shut down when an X-Man gets injured and he or she can then be taken to the X-Men’s state of the art medical facilities. So I guess issue one is excusable since it takes place in the Danger Room, and issue four might also work since the fake cyberspace is basically a fabricated situation similar to the Danger Room. However, in issue two Xavier straps plastic explosives to the Blackbird in order to “test” Wolverine and Jubilee, which is pretty messed up.

The next problem with this twist is the fact that issue three doesn’t fit in with Xavier’s explanation that he was testing his students. Xavier claims that the appearance of the villains was a coincidence, but the only thing that Beast and Storm do in that issue is fight Magneto. Where was the test that they were supposed to be challenged with? Perhaps their plane was also strapped with explosives, but Xavier didn’t trigger them because it would have been a #*&$ move after they had just gone head to head with Magneto. Still, it just doesn’t work. And then there is the X-Men’s reaction to Xavier's manipulations. This is the kind of thing the X-Men used to get really pissed off at Xavier for in the sixties and seventies. Since they are all adults, and they all put their lives on the line on a regular basis, you would think that they might be able to muster a little outrage. Add in the random super villain attacks and Xavier’s test comes off as down right reckless. But I guess the story is for kids, so it’s kind of a waste of time putting too much thought into it because kids are stupid. Before any kids or parents get angry at me for saying that, remember that I got these comics when I was nine years old and I didn’t question the ending whatsoever at the time (well, maybe a little). But really, Pizza Hut met their goal of getting my parents to buy me four kids’ pizza meals, so I guess that’s all that really matters. A disappointing ending to a brief, mediocre, dumbed down story.

D+

Pizza Hut Giveaway: X-Men #3

Pizza Hut Giveaway: X-Men #3
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Jim Craig

What Went Down: This issue’s installment focuses on Beast and Storm, who have been sent to Muir Isle to retrieve antivirus software for Cerebro (remember, this is the early 90s, so you can’t just run to Best Buy to pick up some Norton). Moira MacTaggert greets them and gives the X-Men a tour of the complex. Unfortunately, someone has deactivated the Intruder Alert, but one would think that someone would see the screen warning about the deactivation and try to do something about it.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee and Gambit are cleaning up the hanger after it got wrecked in issue number two. This is the part of the story that clumsily recaps both previous issues.

Over on the Isle, Moira has disappeared for the rest of the issue, leaving Storm and Beast to wander the facility. They stumble upon Unuscione, one of the Acolytes who has been captured and is being rehabilitated at the center. They all take the time to debate Magneto and Xavier’s philosophies before Magneto bursts in to rescue her. Magneto flings Beast out of the way, but the X-Man discovers something off panel that will help him defeat the villain. Meanwhile Storm and Magneto trade blasts before Magneto uses his powers to trap Storm in a bubble of metal, causing her claustrophobia to act up.

Beast jumps in with an electro-magnetic disrupter (basically a magic defeat-Magneto gun) and attacks Magneto, freeing Storm in the process. With Magneto on the ropes, Unuscione convinces her master that she is not worth his sacrifice, and that he can rescue her another day. Magneto escapes, and the X-Men fly back to the mansion, once again wondering about the identity of their saboteur. The bald, but shadowed character once again ends the issue by monitoring the team on screens and saying something cryptic.

How It Was: As usual, a pretty mixed bag. Since it’s designed for kids, the writing is still a little shallow, but there are still some cool moments that a fan might appreciate. One of the big problems is that while the first two issues featured X-Men that have a significantly established relationship (Gambit and Rogue, Wolverine and Jubilee), this one just throws together Beast and Storm because the writer has to spotlight every member. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it’s just that there is no real chemistry between the characters. Also it is contrived that the Beast ends the issue by inventing a gun that stops Magneto, instead of coming up with a more creative way to defeat the villain. Probably the biggest problem with the story is that each issue is supposed to create an artificially made challenge for the heroes outside of the attacking villain. Since Magneto is the only threat in issue three, this completely contradicts the ending (which I will discuss more next post).

As for the good, the Magneto fight is much better than the Sauron/Sabretooth fight because the characters can actually use their powers without breaking any comics code rules about violence. Magneto is actually very well characterized and in a nice touch, the script acknowledges his tenure as a member of the X-Men. As I said before, this story would have to take place in the middle of Fatal Attractions to fit into continuity, which is highly unlikely, but it could be done. Oh, and once again the guest star (Moira) disappears from the story when the artist decides that he is sick of drawing her and the writer doesn’t feel like coming up with anything for her to do.

While the plot of this issue is nothing special, this is probably the nicest looking fight of the whole series. Craig manages to portray Storm and Magneto flinging impressive amounts of energy back and forth, and his depiction of Magneto escaping in his bubble is really neat with the reds and yellows contrasting. Basically this issue is a really cool fight scene with an abrupt and unnatural ending.

C+

Pizza Hut Giveaway: X-Men #2

Pizza Hut Giveaway: X-Men #2
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: John Herbert

What Went Down: Big action opening, in media res. Jubilee is trying to pilot the damaged Blackbird while Wolverine fights both Sabretooth and Sauron on top of the plane. As Jubilee struggles to get the radio to work, she flashes back to the beginning of the story, which she narrates from here on out.

After recapping the premise of the story, we see Jubilee being bored by an aerodynamics textbook while Wolverine pilots the Blackbird to the Savage Land so that the pair can retrieve vibranium to power Cerebro. Jubilee is startled by a pterodactyl flying beside the plane. Later, Wolverine introduces Jubilee to Ka-Zar, lord of the Savage Land, and his pet Saber-toothed tiger Zabu. Initially she is terrified of the cat, but later they are seen bonding. While the Vibranium is being loaded, two shadowy figures sneak onboard, one of them distinctively Sauron shaped.

Jubilee convinces Wolverine to let her be the pilot on the way home. All goes well until an explosion occurs in the back of the plane. Right after the explosion, Sabertoth and Sauron reveal themselves, but refuse to take credit for the explosions. Wolverine lunges at Sauron while Jubilee blinds Sabretooth with her fireworks; in his stupor, Sabertooth knocks Wolverine and Saruon out the side door.

Down at the mansion, Cyclops and Bishop wonder what is going on. Wolverine digs his claws into the plane and tells Jubilee to fire the retro exhaust, slowing the plane and knocking the villains off. Jubilee manages to crash the plane into the hanger, and everyone survives. The mysterious shadowy character continues to watch the X-Men on the monitors, as Wolverine asks who is responsible for the attack.

How It Was: Some nice improvements from the first issue. Since the story doesn’t have to be set up, there is more time to explore the relationship between the characters and the action sequence, although there is still an entire page explaining the plot of the story. Even though it contradicts continuity, it’s nice to see Jubilee’s reaction to the Savage Land, and her desperation and fear during the fight come off really well. Because Jubilee is the narrator, some of the exposition doesn’t come off as forced as it did last issue. And the appearance of two villains is pretty cool, even if it doesn’t lead to anything special.

As for the negative, well we have Wolverine fighting two of his most vicious enemies, and he’s not allowed to use his claws on them. The opening spread looks really silly with Wolverine swinging an unclawed fist at his enemies while leaving his clawed fist behind his back. The fight itself is anticlimactic due to the bad guys being beaten by a flip of a switch, yet there are two or three good panels of Wolverine lunging at Sauron. Ka-Zar’s cameo also seems unnecessary and too brief. In general, it just feels like a waste to introduce this interesting setting with the Savage Land, and then have all of the action occur outside of it. Herbert draws a lush, gorgeous Savage Land, but once again it feels like a wasted opportunity since nothing happens there. While still too brief and full of too much exposition this issue does manage to have some interesting, if unoriginal, moments and portray Jubilee as a likable and relatable character.

C+

Pizza Hut Giveaway: X-Men #1

Pizza Hut Giveaway: X-Men #1
Writing: Scott Lobdell
Art: Andrew Wildman

Note: Because I need a break from crossovers, and a break from full-length, double-sized stories, I’m taking the time to chronicle the mini-epic that was the Pizza Hut X-Men Promotion. These stories are definitely not considered part of canon, even though they were written by current Uncanny X-Men writer of the time Scott Lobdell. If we were being generous, we could say that the story could take place between Uncanny #304 and X-Men #25 since Bishop is on the team, but the team is also aware that Magneto is alive. This isn’t particularly likely because 1. Jubilee is portrayed as never having been to the Savage Land when she has already been in Wolverine #70-71, and 2. It’s unlikely that Professor X would behave the way he does at the same time that he is worrying about Magneto. On the other hand, it might add an interesting layer to Xavier’s personality if he was this manipulative of his students. But I digress. Moving on to the actual story…

What Went Down: Cyclops and Wolverine initially appear to be in the middle of a savage battle, but actually they are both in the middle of a Danger Room session that is being observed by the rest of the team. Professor X interrupts the session with an ominous warning of a severe threat that is looming. When the X-Men gather in the war room, Xavier informs the group that their mutant-hunting computer Cerebro has been infected with a computer virus. The team is split into four groups, to coincide with the four issues of the story, to each complete a specific task that will lead to the repair of Cerebro, and the discovery of the mystery villain responsible for the sabotage.

Gambit and Rogue wind up with the first task, which involves removing holographic template technology from the Danger Room to use to fix Cerebro. As usual, Gambit flirts with Rogue, and Rogue responds by yelling at him. When the pair opens the panel in the Danger Room, they discover panels and wires that lead them to believe that the Danger Room has also been sabotaged. All of a sudden, the Danger Room’s holograms kick in, and the room is transformed into the Days of the Future Past alternate future, complete with Sentinels trying to kill our merry mutants. Rogue and Gambit have to retreat; Gambit appears to be injured, but really uses it as an excuse to touch Rogue’s lips, transferring his powers. When the Sentinels discover the pair, Rogue uses Gambit’s power to take them by surprise and blow them up. Gambit apologizes for tricking Rogue, but explains that he needed her reactions to be authentic in order to fool the Sentinels. As they go to meet their friends, an ominous shadowed character, who is responsible for the sabotage, watches the two X-Men on a monitor and vows that this is only the beginning.

How It Was: When looking at the quality of these comics, it’s important to remember that the target audience for these books was young children. Their sole reasons for existing are to sell pizza and convert kids to buying X-Men comics and watching the X-Men cartoon. Since another X-Men promotion soon followed at Pizza Hut, it’s safe to say that these comics succeeded in their task. But at the same time, I feel like it’s my duty to review them from my present perspective as a twenty-something year old male because the whole point of this blog is to recommend X-Men comics worth reading. Sadly these comics have no real narrative value to anybody over the age of twelve, despite the efforts of regular X-writer Scott Lobdell. Sure they make for neat collector’s items, but this story is far from engaging.

First the good: it is really nice to see Lobdell try to incorporate so many aspects of X-continuity into the issue. The Days of the Future Past is one of my favorite storylines ever, so it is nice to see it acknowledged in this book. As for the characters themselves, they all are pretty true to character, although they are probably closer to their portrayals in the cartoon than the comic books.

What keeps this simple story from working is the sheer amount of exposition that all of the characters utter in order to explain every single concept to potentially new readers. Sure it’s necessary for this promotion to work, but the way it is incorporated is so unnatural and dry that it’s hard to imagine what readers’ impressions of it might have been. Various members of the team take the time to explain the purpose of the Danger Room, Cerebro, the X-Men themselves, and their own powers to each other when this should already be common knowledge to every character in the room. There is even a forced scene where Beast projects images of the X-Men’s villains to highlight the number of people out to get the team. The pacing of the story would have been better served if these explanations were saved for narration boxes, or if the inside covers had some kind of index on them, as opposed to the poster that no true collector is going to rip out.

As for the main plot, it feels weak. The explanation that Cerebro is necessary for the X-Men to recruit new mutants doesn’t hold up very well, since new members rarely ever join; actually, the primary use of Cerebro has always been detecting villains so that the team can stop them. Also, Jean Grey uses her powers to flip a switch in the Danger Room that is literally right next to her—that just bothers me. Not only is this kind of silly, but also it’s the only significant thing Jean does in the entire story.

I’ve never heard of the artist before, but Wildman does a very nice job overall. For some reason he puts a lot of detail into the hair of characters that gives an interesting contrast to the traditional Marvel house style. His Sentinels are very menacing and the fight they have with Rogue and Gambit is nicely done, if brief. Overall, it’s not something that fans of the X-Men ever need to worry about finding since it doesn’t affect continuity in the slightest, nor does it bring anything new to the table.

C