Uncanny X-Men #363

Uncanny X-Men #363

Writing: Steve Seagle

Art: Chris Bachalo

What Went Down:  We open on what I think is a number of the creators of this very comic discussing chocolate at Ghiradelli Square when they are interrupted by falling debris from the sky.  It turns out to be another Cerebro unit—this one being the Beta unit.  At Alcatraz the Toad, who now speaks only in rhyme for some reason, takes an apple to a captive Charles Xavier. 

At the Golden Gate Park, the other four X-Men discuss how they are going to proceed.  Nightcrawler gets to show off the cloaking device he installed on the Blackbird.  Because the X-Men only own one portable Cerebro, this team is depending on Wolverine to track Xavier.  As the X-Men strategize, a local couple is attacked by the Beta Cerebrite, which overwhelms and “catalogs” them.

Despite having a futuristic space age cloaking device for their ship, the X-Men have neglected to bring normal clothes to walk the streets of San Francisco in.  Kitty is forced to take coats from a homeless vagrant, but she leaves some money for him. As they walk the streets, Nightcrawler finds a twenty in one of the pockets and buys a necklace for Kitty. 

Wolverine finds a building with Charles’ scent, but all they find is a smashed up wheelchair.  Marrow gets into a confrontation with a punk, but Logan diffuses it.  In a secret base called Area 52, another Cerebro robot sneaks in and retrieves some nanotechnology developed by Bastion.

After failing to find Professor X, Wolverine takes the team to Chinatown where they meet a wise Chinese person named Black Crane, who is from Logan’s past.  Black Crane is able to see that Professor X is at Alcatraz, but another is searching for him.  Outside Kurt gives Kitty the necklace he bought her.

Arriving at Alcatraz, the X-Men are attacked by the new Brotherhood of Mutants.  The X-Men are thrown off because the Brotherhood is utilizing teamwork and tactics that they normally do not display.  The fight is stopped by Professor X, who has been training the Brotherhood to combat Cerebro.  The Brotherhood is also responsible for breaking Xavier out of the Hulkbuster base.  The issue ends with the Beta Cerebro bursting through the wall and attacking. 

How It Was:  Note to publishers: maybe you shouldn’t spoil your one minor twist on the cover.  One could argue that this reveal is spoiled by the first scene with Toad and Xavier, but up to this point Charles is only revealed to be a prisoner.  Not that this is a huge spoiler, it’s just that after months of buildup, one would think that the discovery of Xavier might hold some type of surprise.  Either way it doesn’t really matter since the Xavier training the Brotherhood angle is dropped as quickly as it is introduced. 

As for the rest of the issue, it’s mostly more stretching out the hunt.  The first half of the issue has the X-Men doing such exciting things as shopping in downtown San Francisco, threatening hipsters, and meeting a stereotypically wise elderly Asian man who just tells the where to go.  Why didn’t they talk to this guy months ago? While Seagle is teasing a potential romance between Nightcrawler and Kitty, it’s really subtle and almost completely forgotten after this issue if I remember right.  Other than that, the characters really don’t have much to do except reiterate events of past issues leading up to this point and agonize over not having enough money to shop for jewelry.  This team is so terrible that they don’t even think to bring clothes to change into when they’re visiting downtown San Francisco!  The other team had enough time to put on coats and boots for the snowy mountains…it’s not hard.

After being told by Black Crane to get the story moving, the X-Men fight the Brotherhood for a couple of pages.  Bachalo’s art shows off the scope of the destruction and craziness quite well, but his superdeformed style makes some of the characters look odd.  His Wolverine looks more like Beast, his Blob changes sizes by the panel, and his Marrow has dreadlocks somehow. 

Of course if you read X-Men #82, you already know that the cliffhanger is once again going to be another Cerebro robot, and it’s pretty sad that a six part story has to use the same ending twice in a row.  Yes we’re supposed to glimpse the events from each team’s side, but this is a pretty unoriginal structure they’re using.  The X-Men issues at least had some novel uses of artwork to move the story, as well as the wonderful tension between Gambit and the rest of the team.  Here there is none of that, so all we get is an average story that ends with a very lackluster reunion with Xavier.

For Completists